'08 Candidates a National Disaster

I can't believe what we have to choose from so far in the way of candidates for President of the United States. Instead of a long, drawn-out random attack at all of them as a group, I'd like to take a moment to offer specific attacks at them as individuals.

The Democrats

Barack Obama - "Bros before Hoes"

1. I have a problem electing a guy as President of the United States whose middle name is Hussein. How many billions of dollars did we just spend to get rid of a Hussein as President of Iraq?
2. This guy doesn't even know what his religion is. He said he is a Christian. He said he was never a Muslim. Then he said he was a Muslim, but never a practicing Muslim. (His sister says they only went to the Mosque for "big communal events." Nobody can explain how that makes you less of a Muslim than only going to church at Christmas and Easter would make you less of a Christian, or only going to the synagogue for Passover and Rosh Hashanah would make you less Jewish. Here is a nice article about how ridiculous this is.) This isn't about religion; it's about the inability to tell the truth.
3. This guy has never run anything other than his own office and a college classroom--even I have done that! You can't go from never having run anything to running the most powerful country in the world. It's asinine. Also, for the past few years he has "served" in the U.S. Senate as a member of the worst congress in U.S. history.
   

Hillary Clinton - “The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not.”

1. This woman has personally done more to put the American people in harm than any terrorist ever has. As First Lady her only real responsibility was to give it up to the President often enough that he wouldn't go around the entire planet spilling national security secrets and his seed on anybody who was interested in either. I make no excuses for Bill Clinton, but Hillary left him as horny as any man in prison has ever been; Bill would have jumped on anybody who dropped the soap in the shower. That kind of neglect is unforgivable--we're lucky any of us lived to tell the tale.
2. The woman has no reasoning ability. She says stuff without any thought to what she just said, whether it's true or not, whether it was reasonable or not, or the implications of what she just said.
• "The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not." First, thanks a lot for the definition of why George W. Bush was elected President instead of Al Gore. Second, this is why we can't vote for you; you are the queen of liars and pretenders.
• She says we should start a $5000 account for every baby born in the United States for them to use for college or buying their first house. But she apparently hasn't put any thought into where this money is coming from, how it would be regulated when people actually wanted to use this money, or what the cultural effect would be of a culture that creates a fund for you to beg money off the government when you want to do something you can't afford. Oh, wait: we have tons of those programs already; welfare, grants, loans, etc. Giving away the farm is not good policy.
  
• "We are the President." Yes, Hillary actually said it when Bill was President. So, if she was the President already, she is not eligible to run again. Or, we could admit that Hillary wasn't President, which makes her eligible to run, but also shows a history of delusions of grandeur that really makes a person wonder if she could handle the job.
  
3. Unlike Obama, Hillary has run something before; she has run Bill Clinton. Look what kind of job she has done keeping that boy in line. I don't want to see the effects of those management skills on the entire nation.
   
4. She is a member of the worst congress in U.S. history.
   
5. She's ugly.

John Edwards - "The All-American Breck Girl"

1. He has millions of dollars. He pays $400 for a haircut. He still looks ridiculous. There is a place just down the street from where I work where you can have a student cut your hair for $8. Edwards would be well-suited to stop for a visit.
2. The guy is a certified loser. Since he bought his Senate seat and "served" his six year-term, Edwards has run for the Democratic nomination and lost, run for VP with John "F-ing" Kerry (Vietnam veteran, the French candidate) and lost, and now he's running for the Democratic nomination again--and losing.
3. He predicts that all African American males will soon be in jail or dead. I don't know any way to respond to that (without making it into a full-blown essay on the subject) without saying, "What a jerk." Your future doesn't depend on the color of your skin, no matter what John Edwards may say.
   

Bill Richardson - "Elect the fattest President since Grover Cleveland."

1. Richardson's web site in the upper left-hand corner it says, "Bill Richardson President." Apparently he's already been elected, so this whole blog is a waste of time. Or, maybe the guy is delusional. Or, maybe he was part of the "we" when Hillary said "We are the President." I know Bill Clinton is a horndog, but I have no reason to believe that any three-way in the Clinton White House involved Mr. Richardson.
2. The guy wants to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq. The guy really should read a book or something. We're the United States of America; there are always residual troops. We still have bases in Europe and Japan from World War II. We're in South Korea from the Korean war. We're everywhere. Anybody who thinks we're going to go to the trouble of fighting a war and then should leave without a trace has no business running the military. We stay everywhere forever because that way we don't have to go back. When is the last time anybody started a war with anybody near a U.S. military base? Exactly. The only people stupid enough to try that are the terrorists, and it's probably a good idea to have armed military men to greet them instead of having the terrorists come attack us in the mall.
3. Every time I see a picture of Bill Richardson, I think the caption should be "I just ate a roasted chicken!"
   

Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich - "The Three Stooges"

1. All three are members of the worst congress in U.S. history.
2. None of them say anything that actually makes sense.
3. Old. Old. Pee Wee Herman. Enough said.
   

Mike Gravel - "Well Rested and Ready"

1. This guy lost an election in 1980 and hasn't done anything since. Seeing that there were no good candidates running, he decided to join in the race since he would fit right in.
2. He looks like a rich guy who is retired and is so bored with life that he has taken to wearing suits but still refuses to wear ties since he's retired.
3. He looks like he's somebody's senile grandpa. That'll strike fear in the hearts of terrorists everywhere.
4. This guy lost an election in 1980 and hasn't done anything since. Did I mention that?
   

The Republicans

Rudy Giuliani - "I am an expert on terrorism because I saw it happen."

1. I don't think running New York City qualifies you to run the United States of America.
2. I don't think being there when 9/11 happened makes you an expert on terrorism.
3. I don't think that having a lot of ex-wives makes you a stud or good with women--I think it indicates a lack of judgment. If you can't pick the right wife, that's one thing. If you can't pick the right Supreme Court justice, or the right Secretary of State, or the right First Lady, that's gonna cause some trouble.
4. This guy could only run on a "I'm not as bad as _____________" campaign. Rudy doesn't hold any positions that I can tell that fires up the base to want him to win. Rudy holds positions that he might get people to vote for him because he's less terrible than whoever he is running against. That's a horrible way to run for office and a horrible way to win office.

Fred Thompson - "I have some experience doing, a lot of experience pretending to do something."

1. His real-life political experience rivals that of John Edwards.
2. He looks like he's somebody's grandpa (but at least he seems to be in his right mind).
3. Will he be able to bluff his way with terrorists, congress, and world leaders, or will they all assume he's just acting no matter what he does?

I guess I need more information about this guy.

Mitt Romney - "Former Governor of Massachusetts and the Olympics"

1. Hi, my name is Mitt and I'd like to be your President.
2. He ran the liberal stronghold of Massachusetts and he ran the Salt Lake City Olympic games. The Olympics crap is worthless (as far as making him qualified to be President of the United States). I suppose a case could be made that the job of governor is good training for being President, but it's Massachusetts--and he's a Republican. It's kind of like trying to get a Catholic priest to hire you for a job when your resume shows that your previous place of employment was a strip club. You might be fully qualified, but no one is impressed.
3. His name is still Mitt.

John McCain - "Author of the McCain/Feingold..."

1. Anybody who co-authored a piece of legislation with Russ Feingold is going to have a hard time running as a Republican, even if they are running for the local library board.
2. He is a member of the worst congress in U.S. history.
3. I hate to say anything bad about a guy who has a record of service like John McCain's, with the P.O.W. experience in Vietnam and all that, but the guy is put me to sleep grandpa material if I ever saw it. I think maybe he needs to tell more war stories.
   
4. If he were to win the nomination, there would be yard signs that look like this everywhere.

On the pro side, McCain once said, "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father." That's some funny crap. If he said stuff like that all the time, he'd have a billion dollars to spend and would run at 85% in the Republican polls.

Mike Huckabee - "Lovin' eyes can never see."
I actually like this guy, but there are still some problems.

1. "President Huckabee." I just can't see it happening. It just doesn't sound Presidential.
2. His web site: "Mike Huckabee President." Just like Richardson. Don't people know you have to run first?
   
3. Nobody's heard of him.
   
4. He doesn't have enough money.

Sam Brownback - "Boring like a Gore."

1. He's a member of the worst congress in U.S. history.
2. The guy has a bunch of stuff on the main page of his web site dissing the other Republican candidates. Of course, one of these guys is going to win the nomination, and then the good Senator will be out there campaigning for them. So, if you listen to this guy, right now you will think that all the other Republicans are morons, and then a year from now you'll think you should elect one of them President. I hate that.
3. The guy doesn't get the same kind of media attention as the more high-profile candidates, but I've never seen anything that indicates that he has any personality whatsoever. It's quite sad, really.

Duncan Hunter, Ron Paul, Tom Tancredo - "The Other Three Stooges"

1. Members of the worst congress in U.S. history.
2. Members of the worst congress in U.S. history.
3. Members of the worst congress in U.S. history. Let's face it, nobody knows or cares who these guys are. If you can't be a stand out from a group of losers like our present congress, you don't have what it takes to run this country.

Alan Keyes - "Run and Lose as a Profession"

1. I didn't even know this guy was running--but I should have known because he runs and loses every time.
2. He also ran for the U.S. Senate seat in Illinois and lost. By the way, the guy lives in Maryland.
3. His latest government position was as an ambassador for the Reagan administration. I don't know if we should tell him, but that was like twenty years ago. Get a life.
4. Keyes is actually somewhat respectable. He stands on his principles and every time he runs he manages to get all the candidates to lean his way just a little bit. The problem is, it's all campaign rhetoric. Nobody actually changes what they do once elected because of Keyes. It's a waste to spend all that money to campaign when in the end nobody gets anything out of it.
   

Tommy Thompson - "Ugly Republican of the Year"

1. I don't even know if the guy is actually running. If you run a Google search and click on the one labeled as the official campaign web site, it takes you to a page that says, "The page you are trying to reach does not exist."
2. This dude is an exceptional level of ugly.
3. He's a grown man and still goes by "Tommy."
   

Jim Gilmore - QUITTER.


It would sure be nice if someone with real ideas, someone who is (1) willing to admit that both Democrats and Republicans are wrong, and who (2) doesn't want to have the government take over your entire freaking life would run.

America Loves O.J.

A Fox News poll shows that only fifty five percent of Americans think O.J. is guilty of robbery. Do you know what that means? It means that forty five percent are either completely ignorant or completely stupid. (And, if you don't know the difference between "ignorant" and "stupid" you are probably both.) There are multiple eyewitnesses to the crime. O.J. has himself stated that it was a "sting" operation. There is at least one audio tape of the robbery in progress. Unless you think O.J. was framed (again?), there's no denying it.

Check out this hilarious (made-up) article about it.

But, some may say, "Wait. I believe O.J. went into the hotel room and took the stuff, but it had been stolen from him--that's why he's not guilty!" While it's true that you can take back items that have been stolen from you, and it is considered legal self-help, self-help only gives you the right to retrieve your things--all the other stuff that O.J. did in retrieving the items would still be illegal. The whole thing is so stupid I can't believe it.

You people must really love O.J. (The first person to make a joke about drinking O.J. for breakfast gets tasered, because that's just sick.)