It Pays to Read

Okay, so this lady followed the script of a movie to try to get rich. Basically, she was obcessed with "The Last Seduction" and used the storyline to get her fiance killed in an attempt to obtain his life insurance money. But, all that aside, here is the quote from the article that makes reading it worthwhile:

Linehan — then known as Mechele Hughes — was one of the top girls at a strip club called the Great Alaska Bush Co. in 1996.

The Great Alaska Bush Company. That's hilarious! (Sorry guys - no link.)

How Unforgettable?

Fox News is running a story titled, " Reports: Russian Accused of Killing 49 Describes First Murder 'Like First Love ... Unforgettable.'" The Russian in question is being tried for 49 murders, but he claims to have killed 63 people--one short of his goal of 64. (That's one person killed for each square on a chess board.) He seems a little upset that they aren't charging him with all 63 murders. (They can only prove 49 murders and three kidnappings--unless, of course, they use his stupid confession.)

Anyway, so here's my beef. (Mmm, beef.) Why in the world would you run a story with a big headline about how "unforgettable" killing someone is? And, they have it running as one of their top stories--you don't even have to dig for this mess! How many morons do you think are going to go kill somebody now, just to see if this sicko is right? Ugh.

Jimmy Carter is Still an Idiot

Omar al-Bashir laughs at Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter, the former President we can thank for the popularity of terrorism and terrorist tactics being used against U.S. interests around the world, has successfully completed his Complete Idiot Recertification.

In a visit to Sudan, Carter got into a shouting match with officials, at one point yelling, "I'll tell President Bashir about this!" No wonder foreigners think all Americans are arrogant and rude. It turns out, President Bashir doesn't give a crap about Carter, because the guy hasn't been anybody or anything important since January 20, 1981.

I thought Jimmy was supposed to be off building houses for Habitat for Humanity or some such crap. Somebody duct tape his mouth and give him a hammer.

What's Wrong with Trophy Wives?

Fox News: Jeri Thompson Rejects 'Trophy Wife' Claims

Jeri Thompson, the wife of Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson, says it is "hard not to be defensive" about accusations that she is a trophy wife. The attacks come in part because Jeri Thompson is 24 years younger than Fred Thompson. Also, it might have something to do with the fact that if the Thompsons occupy the White House, she'll be the best-looking First Lady since Jackie Kennedy (which isn't saying much).

Can somebody please tell me what's wrong with being a trophy wife? Trophy wives are the shizzle (whatever that is). First, no one accuses you of being a trophy wife unless you are married to a successful man. What's wrong with that? A trophy wife's job is to make her husband look better: she's supposed to look good on his arm at social functions, she's supposed to do "good stuff" (charity, social causes, whatever), and raise fine upstanding children. What's wrong with that? Oh, and a trophy wife is supposed to be good looking, and I know there's nothing wrong with that!

I guess some people hear "trophy wife" and think "bimbo." Bimbo trophy wives went out of style in the '80s. The reason they went out of style is because a bimbo doesn't make you look good! Marrying a bimbo is akin to marrying a fatty. Bad, bad, bad.

Deep, Meaningful Truths...

I'm open to suggestions. I just don't take them.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

If pigs could fly, this town would be an airport.

That's not a haircut; it's a cry for help.

Everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you've abused the privilege.

You can't fix stupid.

I'm so great I'm jealous of myself.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Beauty: It's a light switch away.

I brake for tailgaters.

It's such a beautiful day, I won't need my meds.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Some call it stalking, but I call it love.

Drunk chicks really dig me.

I do all my own nude scenes.

Okay, so all that stuff is from a book of bumper stickers. But that stuff is great. I'm thinking about turning my ghetto cruiser into one of those cars with half a bajillion bumper stickers plastered all over the back side. It would be fun! One of my favorites in the book happens to be a saying that I already have on a shirt: Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go. Ha!

Bulls' Skiles = B.S.

Scott Skiles thinks--maybe

Check this out. The Chicago Bulls have a no-headband rule, but Coach Scott Skiles gave the players the option to give an exception to the rule to Ben Wallace. So, essentially, the rule is "only Ben Wallace can wear a headband." How stupid! I mean, the headband rule is pretty weak anyway, but if it's okay for one guy, it should be okay for everybody.

There was a series of Nike ads played during one of the two Super Bowls when Michael Jordan was retired the first time. In the ads, the claim was made that Jordan had "faked his retirement" and was playing with false names (such as "Johny Kilroy" and "Motorboat Jones") and various disguises. If Jordan can wear wigs and unnecessary goggles and the whole bit just for fun, headbands shouldn't pose a problem.

Here's one of those ads. They were brilliant. If someone produced a DVD of Michael Jordan commercials, I would buy it.

By the way, I hate headbands; I just think it's a stupid rule.

Poor O.J.

Read the article here, if you really must.

Poor O.J. Some judge has said that the Juice has to give Ron Goldman's dad his Rolex. That's right--his Rolex. Come on! The man has to be able to tell time, doesn't he? How's he supposed to show up on time to the golf course in his search for the real killers?

The judge also says that if any of the stuff O.J. took in the world-famous "sting" is found to be legally his, Simpson has to give that to Father Goldman, too. (Do you like how I just made the guy a priest?) What's this world coming to when a guy can't even steal for a living?

No Ugly Women

I got this fantastic link from a friend: "There are no ugly women, only those who can't afford an expensive makeover."

To be honest, there are ugly women--even women who have enjoyed expensive makeovers. There might be one or two women on there that you could claim as being actually good looking--the rest of them have worked terribly hard to recover from their beating with the ugly stick.

I would like to point out, however, that none of the after pictures have fatties. So, they're off to a good start. But, these chicks have so much plastic in their face now that they can't even smile anymore.