Philosophy of Attraction

Good long-term (romantic) relationships are the result of the ability to create new relationships without any idea (and possibly without any intent) of whether this relationship will last beyond the present moment. Essentially, that's what dating is all about--taking the correct first step to see if you even want to take the second or third (and usually you don't). With that being said, I'm going to dispense with some knowledge to help with that crucial first step.

The first step in any potential relationship is feeling attraction (or not) and choosing to act (or not).

It seems to me that attraction comes at various levels, and (of course) varies from person to person. Explaining attraction to someone is like trying to explain the triune nature of God: there are unlimited ways to explain it, and all of them seem to fall short of a complete and fully-accurate understanding. So there's the disclaimer.

For guys, one way to explain attraction is to define two specific categories of attraction. I would classify these categories as "actual attraction" and "perceived attraction." While actual attraction indicates that a guy feels attracted to the person in question, perceived attraction is the understanding that people in general would be attracted to the person. Basically, perceived attraction says, "I can see how someone else would find her attractive," regardless of whether the person saying it feels attraction or not. Actual attraction is a pretty simple concept, I think, but I think that people lose sight of perceived attraction and its role.

One way perceived attraction plays a role is when a guy has a certain level of perceived attraction towards a chick, even though he is not actually attracted to her, he may feel like she is worth pursuing anyway; it becomes a matter of status. Of course, once the guy spends some time getting, uh, familiar with her, he may forget all about not being attracted to her; it becomes a matter of getting some.

Another way attraction plays a role is when a guy feels actual attraction to someone that he doesn't perceive to be attractive to others. This is a little more complicated than the first. I suspect that the female readers are asking, "How can he be attracted to someone that he doesn't think is attractive?" Well, it happens. The thought pattern might be something along the lines of "She's hot! But, dang, the guys at work are going to make fun of the fact that she's only 4'9." It could be anything.

This is when people come up with stuff like "Fat chicks are like mopeds; they're fun to ride until your friends find out."

The obvious conclusion of the matter for guys is to only pursue a girl that you are actually attracted to. It might even be okay to pursue a girl that you are attracted to and your friends aren't--maybe.

Now, for women, it seems to be a different story altogether. For women, it's a matter of perceived manliness. Men, you could be the biggest jerk on the planet, but if women perceive you as a real man, you will not have any trouble whatsoever. This is why women are always complaining about guys being jerks and not being able to find a "nice guy." Nice guys often have difficulty coming off as real men. Instead, they often come across as wussies. No woman wants a wuss.

Don't get me wrong, looks play a role with women, too. The difference is that for guys, looks make up most of the attraction equation. For chicks, looks are a small part of a much more complicated equation that involves the full spectrum of math and science.

Over the ages, it has become apparent that men excel in the subjects of math and sciences because of their life-long quest to understand women. The men fail, but they do nifty things like cure Polio in the pursuit.

Probably four out of five men would advise women to not choose their relationships based on attraction because that's what leads them to choosing jerks. I'm that fifth man.
The ex would insist that I am also one of those jerks. Whatever.
Telling a woman to ignore attraction is exactly the same as telling a guy to ignore a girl's looks and go on personality. It may be good advice, but it will never EVER work. Even if someone had enough self-control and self-hatred to follow that advice, it would make them miserable anyway.

Instead, I am going to advise all boys everywhere to grow up to be men. Don't grow up to be a wuss. Learn how to drive a stick. Get a job (at some point in your life, anyway) where you learn to build things or fix things. Get your degree (or two or three.) Hunt. Fish. Drive a motorcycle. Wrestle a wild animal. Go. Live. But that's not enough. Be that same self-sufficient educated fearless man (emphasis on fearless) when you approach a woman and when you deal with her.

Hans Solo. Remember when he is about to be frozen and Leia calls out, for the first time, "I love you"? Does Hans say, "I love you, too"? Oh, heck no. Hans says, "I know." I'm not one to advocate watching a lot of Star Wars, but watch the original trilogy until you understand this concept! Leia loves Hans because he's a man. And when she finally admits that she loves him, he is still a man. What would have happened if Hans would have burst out in tears and said, "I love you, too! I've always loved you! From the day we met, I knew you were something special!" Blah blah blah. Leia would have snapped out of it. She wouldn't have the first clue where the love she just proclaimed had come from or where it had gone. It would be gone forever. Shoot, even C-3PO would have puked on his shoes.

Guys, when you approach a woman, it cannot matter to you. Become a Jehovah's Witness. Those people knock on a thousand doors without making a single convert--but they keep going, expecting success. Don't expect failure, but don't worry about it either. Essentially, it's like hitting on an ugly girl on a friendly bet. You don't care what this girl thinks of you. And if you lose, it's no big deal. Embarrassing, maybe, but nothing is lost. The minute some chick looks at you and realizes that you will be devastated if she doesn't respond to your advances, you just gave her all the power in the relationship. If she has the power and you don't, that makes you a wuss. Ding! You're done. The turkey is roasted. Time to eat (crow. You lost the bet).

As for the ladies, I don't have a problem with your approach whatsoever. Sure, you end up with a lot of jerks, but you also keep your distance from a bunch of losers. I'm perfectly comfortable whether you go by all looks or all personality, so I can't lose.