No Offense, But...

I love the phrase, "No offense, but," no matter what follows it. For those of you who are new to the English language, "No offense, but," means "I am about to say something totally offensive." I feel compelled to explain this to help you in your studies, because there is no way logic would ever draw you to this conclusion, even though it is entirely correct. This type of ridiculousness can only be understood by experience.

Wild Tangent 1:

Another tip for those of you who are new to the English language: Please help me, and every other American you meet, and learn our language. See, we're Americans--we don't speak any other language. I'm not saying that this is better in any way; I'm simply saying that's the way it is. Although I am getting reasonably good at conducting business transactions with people who don't speak the same language, it's getting old quick.


Wild Tangent 2:

Another one of those things that you could never understand without getting some experience under your belt is the phrase, "I could care less." Usually it goes like this:

"Who are you cheering for?"
"Nobody. I could care less who wins."
Of course, what they mean is, "I couldn't care less." See, that's the whole point. What the speaker is trying to say is that they do not care, but then they say "I could care less" which would lead to the logical conclusion that the speaker cares (albeit, perhaps, only a small amount of care is involved) because the speaker just said that he could care at least a little bit less than he does now. But, when people say it, that's not what they mean.


Wild Tangent 3:

Speaking of ridiculousness, if the subject line of an email ends with "f/u" does that mean she's cussing at me? I asked, but still have no answers.

Examples of the phrase in use:

"No offense, but I wouldn't wear the clothes that you wear." (None taken.)

"No offense, but it seems hilarious to me that as a communications major you misspelled 'filipino.'" (No offense, but it seems like if you are complaining you should know to capitalize Filipino.)

"No offense, but your nose is really big and ugly."

"No offense, but this is the dumbest blog you've ever written--and that's saying something!"

The Most Hilarious Dream Ever

I had the most hilarious dream ever!

It was one of those dreams where I was watching myself from a third-party perspective, as if I were someone else. So there was "me" the brain watching this go down and there was "me" the body that was actually doing something. In my dream, my "body self" was walking towards my "brain self" carrying a two-liter of carbonated beverage. Then, completely unprovoked, my "body self" threw the two-liter at my "brain self." It startled me, and I woke up.

Hilarious!

Government V Pirates

Have you ever thought about the similarities between government and pirates? It's scary. The pirate motto: Take all you can; give nothin' back. Sound familiar?

Say the government wants to do a project. They do it. Do they need your land to do their project? They're going to take it--whether you like it or not. They'll buy it, but they'll pay you whatever they want to pay, and not a penny more, whether that price is fair or not, whether you want to sell or not. Not that it makes any difference, because they are paying you with your own money anyway!

And, what does the government do with its assets that it no longer needs? Do they sell them and apply that money towards its other needs? Very rarely. It's much more fun to do nothing with your assets (especially if that means increasing costs by paying to store it in a warehouse somewhere) and tax the crap out of people to pay for frivolous crap.

Compare that to pirates. What's the difference? You get to vote for the government. Well, a very tiny percentage of them, anyway.

Is Winning the Only Thing?

Is winning the only thing? In high school, I would have told you that winning is indeed the only thing--that's why they keep score. (Duh!) Really, though, is it? Always?

I'm pondering this question tonight because I went to see one of my kids play football tonight. It was a freshman game. Some of the parents were yelling at the coach because he was playing some of his (presumably "best") players every single play while dozens of kids didn't ever touch the field. By the end of the game, the "best" players were exhausted, and it showed. Other parents argued (in separate conversations) that it's about winning games, and to win games the coach needs to play his best players.

First, if you have an average player and a good player available, but the "good" player is already exhausted, how much better can he be in that condition?

Second, this is freshman football. It does not matter--at all. That's why, at the end of the season, there are only playoffs for the varsity team. All the other teams--freshman, fresh/soph, junior varsity--just have a regular season and *poof* it's over. That's because those teams exist for player development.

What these "winning is what matters" parents fail to understand is, the coaches are hurting the "good" players as much as they are hurting the kids who aren't playing. When Michael Jordan started in the NBA, everyone recognized that he had incredible talent, but a lot of people didn't like him. Jordan's popularity, and recognition as the greatest player only came when he became a part of the team, and when he had teammates that he could lead to six (count them, Jazz fans--six) NBA championships. Without teammates, a handful of "good" players won't be able to attract the college scouts or the news reporters the way a good team will.

When I worked for Olivet, I was responsible for publishing a lot of the pages for the athletic programs. I can't tell you how many of the college athletes came from high school teams that made it to the state championship game. Good luck winning football championships with six players, coach.

I'm just sayin.'

Hicks are Nuts

Becky has requested that I discuss my dealings with hicks. So here it goes...

If a city slicker ever claims to truly understand our redneck brethren, he's an egomaniac, delusional, or otherwise not quite right. But, I don't claim to understand hicks at all. I mean, I'm baffled. Let me give you some examples.

A while back I made a hick extremely upset. Something I said simply didn't set well with him. None of that surprises anyone, I know. But this is what I said: You have no teeth. That's not something I normally say out of the blue, but it was one of those totally lame conversations that starts with Little Dental Hygiene (as in, none) asking something and I couldn't understand a freaking word he said because he has no teeth.

Wild Tangent:

Speaking of not being able to understand people with no teeth, let me just say that there are two reasons I couldn't live without teeth. Those reasons are (1) it'd take me days to eat a Whopper without teeth and (2) you sound like a moron when you can't pronounce words correctly. Toothlessness is a huge turn-off.

More recently, I totally irritated a hick by asking, "How's your mother?" Now, I admit that I don't care much about the well-being of mothers that I have never met. However, I ask hicks about their mothers for a couple of reasons. For one thing, everybody has a mother. Two, it seems like a nice way to make conversation without having to actually understand what is being said.

Fortunately, despite my problems with the hicks of America, I have picked up a life-saving device to get rid of the ones that I don't chase off with ridiculous statements such as "you have no teeth" or intrusive questions like, "How is your mother?" It goes like this:

"Hey, let's go to my dentist! I'll pay for a teeth-cleaning for you!"

If you can't make that one fit your situation, here's one I used with a crazy redneck with teeth. "Let's read a book!"

Good luck with all that.

Maybe I need better methods.

Chicks are Nuts

If any guy ever claims to truly understand women, he's an egomaniac, delusional, or otherwise not quite right. But, I don't understand women at all. I mean, I'm baffled. Let me give you some examples.

A while back I made a young lady extremely upset. Something I said simply didn't set well with her. None of that surprises anyone, I know. But this is what I said: You have nice teeth. That's not something I say out of the blue, but it was one of those totally lame conversations that starts with Little Miss Insecure asking, "Am I attractive?"

Wild Tangent:

Speaking of "Am I attractive?" let me just say that if a girl asks that question, there are only two entirely truthful answers. Those answers are (1) "No" and (2) "Not anymore." Ladies, the fact that you just asked illustrates that you are insecure (and probably a lot of other things), which is a huge turn-off.

More recently, I totally irritated a chick by asking, "How's your mother?" Now, I admit that I don't care much about the well-being of mothers that I have never met. However, I ask girls about their mothers for a couple of reasons. For one thing, women become their mothers. So, if you ask a chick about her mother and she says, "Oh, that fat cow is insane! I can't stand her!" it tells you that in the future you won't be able to stand her... and that she may well become a fat cow... who is insane. Generally, I think that the way a person relates to their family truly reveals who they are. Also, where I come from, asking about someone's family is a nice thing to do.

Fortunately, despite my problems with the ladies, I have picked up a life-saving device to get rid of the ones that I don't chase off with ridiculous statements such as, "you have nice teeth" or intrusive questions like, "How is your mother?" It goes like this:

"I attended a 'Divorce Recovery Workshop' in which we were advised to wait two full years after a divorce before starting to date again. This time is for personal growth to make sure you're ready for a new relationship. Even though you weren't married, it sounds like your relationship was pretty serious. I'd suggest that you treat it the same way and take a year or two for personal development."

If you can't make that one fit your situation, here's one I used with a psycho emailing interest. "If we were having this conversation in real life, I would have rolled my eyes, excused myself, and left by now. Three times."

Good luck with all that.

Maybe I need better methods.

LeWho?

Fox Sports has a video on their web site of some scrub beating LeBron James in a game of H-O-R-S-E. I think it took the guy something like six shots, too. One of the shots was a free throw. (I'm pretty sure that's the one James actually made.) And, the shots weren't all that fancy or difficult either--we take harder shots than these when I play H-O-R-S-E with my brother. I mean, they were just 3-pointers and one from behind the backboard--nothing difficult. It's just that LeBron James is just that good.

Sometimes you'll hear people try to compare current players to "Michael Jordan in his prime." I'll go further than that. I think Jordan in his prime could beat half the current teams in the NBA (including the Bulls, sadly).

Oooh. It's on YouTube, too.