Your Mom's Survey

I love doing these stupid surveys. I don't know why. But I know that you love to read them--so, here it goes.

Hello, my name is?
Mike Lyons

Can you do this without deleting any questions?
Well, sure! Although, I seriously considered deleting this one. How ghey.

What was your worst mistake in your life?
Not attending Point Loma instead of Olivet.

You're walking down the street with your love, where are you going?
I'm guessing we are walking to the car.

What's something you really want right now, be honest.
Money. Lots and lots of money.

Three feelings at the moment?
Boredom. Anticipation. Your mom. Oh, wait, that's not a feeling. Although I am feeling your mom. Umm, a feeling? Is sober a feeling? I'm cold, but that's not a feeling, is it? I have no feelings. This is stupid. Irritated? Yes. Irritated.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
That one time when I biked with my mouth open.

Does anything hurt on your body?
No, baby. You feel so good when you're on my body. Hey! Bug out! I'm talking to your mom right now!

Who was the last person to disappoint you?
You. Where did your mother and I go wrong with you?

Do you still talk to that person?
Yes. You know your mom and I will always love you.

What are you listening to right now?
Dot Dot Dot.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
Those were the good ol' days.

Do you know someone in jail?
My ex-brother-in-law works in one. Does that count?

Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
At work, in the car, in bed--are any of those weird?

What's the cd in your player?
Nothing. I rip a CD and put it on the shelf, never to touch again.

Who was the last person to make you cry?
That dog that bit me.

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
Oh, just about anywhere. Someplace warm would be stellar.

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
Definitely. Belgium, at a minimum.

Do you have plans today?
Supposed to go see Dot Dot Dot...we'll see.

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?
Why would I wait for it?

Whats your current favorite color?
Red, white, blue, black.

If you could be on any TV show, which one would it be?
The Mike Lyons Show. Duh. Survivor could be fun, though.

Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side?
On the side. That other is weird.

Ever had a near death experience?
Daily. Have you seen me drive?

What did you do Saturday night?
I can't remember. It must have been pretty good.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
Hahaha! Your mom would never allow that!

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with A?
Ype.

What are you thinking about right now?
Kissing someone whose name started with A, actually.

Have you ever made out with a girl named Josephine?
I don't know if I know any girls named Josephine.

Dear Josephine,

I'd like to make out with you. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Love,
mike

Do you have any bruises?
No. Your mom will give me some tonight.

Are your parents over the age of 40?
Wouldn't it be awfully sick if they weren't?

What are you looking forward to in the next 5 days?
My computer screen. Foolin' around with your mom. And Josephine.

Do you like hugs?
They don't make Hugs my size.

Do you live near your best friend?
No, not really.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None. Your mom is such a gold-digger.

At the beginning of the summer, who were you in a relationship with?
Besides your mom? There was also that crazy girl that kept calling me, but that's not really a relationship, is it.

What about the end?
Besides your mom? There was also that other crazy girl that kept calling me, but that's not really a relationship, is it.

Who is the next person you will hold hands with?
I don't hold hands. I just tie 'em.

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
Not a boy, no. Good grief.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Now that you mention it, I should do even more of that.

How are you feeling right now?
Didn't we already have a feelings question? Irritated. Still.


Last time you laughed?
A few seconds ago. Your mom is hilarious!

Excited about anything?
Your mom excites me.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Undecided.

Are you someone who worries too often?
I do not worry at all.

Have you kissed anyone whose name started with a J?
Pretty sure.

What did you wear today?
Your heart on my sleeve. Boxers.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Football.

Are you wearing socks?
Yeah. Yuck.

Would you ever donate blood?
Sure. Why not? It's fun! My favorite is to play with the ball that they give you to fill the bag with blood as quickly as I possibly can, and then as soon as they disconnect me I get up and run to see if I fall down. I usually get distracted by the free cookies.

Was this New Year's enjoyable?
I do not recall. It must have been pretty awesome.

What do the majority of people in your life call you?
Mike. Actually, usually it's, "OH, MIKE!"

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Aww, yeah.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
Who else would I be?

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?
Cow-orker. Yeah, I know. I like it hyphenated that way. I think it's funny.

What do you really think of Starbucks Coffee?
I don't think of coffee.

What were you doing last night?
Buying stuff. (Did you think I was going to say "your mom"??? You are one sick puppy.)

What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Uhhhh. I think I'd win custody.

Can you take a bra off with one hand?
Or none. Whatever it takes. But generally I don't wear one at all. Hahahaha.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with B, D , R, A, C, S, or T?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes (I already answered that.) Not that I recall. I don't think so? Yes. Clearly I have work to do.

Who was the last person you went out to eat with?
Your mom.

When is your birthday?
The day that I was born.

Last time you felt bad about something?
Wednesday.

Do you go tanning?
No.

If someone liked you would you want them to tell you?
Show me, baby! Talk is cheap.

How did you and your number 2 become friends?
Number one! Go number two!

Biggest annoyance right now?
It's cold outside.

Have you spoken to your mother today?
Yes. Yours, too.

Do you drink water?
Yes, if I must.

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
I'd rather give them a reason.

What was the last thing you cried about?
My brother dang near broke my legs. Life it tough as a four-year-old.

Have you ever lived with your girlfriend?
Well, not this one.

Do you currently hate someone?
No. I've got better things to do...

What do you have to do tomorrow?
Hahahaha! I did not just say "your mom." I've got a stack of crap to do...as always.

Do you currently like anyone?
I dunno. Probably not like that.

The World: Out of Control

My friends, the world is out of control.

We're giving two-year-old boys Viagra.

You can now watch suicide live on web cam.

The world paid pirates $150 million in ransoms last year. And here I thought all they wanted was their freedom and a lot of rum.

Some mayor in Australia asked ugly women to move to his town--a move that was protested by ugly chicks everywhere. (If my mayor asked women to move here...well, nevermind.)

Only in America can the Attorney General collapse and be taken to the hospital and be sent home with a "clean bill of health."

Ashlee Simpson named her kid "Bronx Mowgli Wentz." I guess Mowgli was the kid in Jungle Book. I was thinking of the little fuzzy guy from The Gremlins. Knowing Ashlee Simpson, she probably did, too.

Dr. Pepper wants to give free product to every American to celebrate the latest Guns N' Roses CD, which they started recording a mere fourteen years ago. Yes, I said years.

Maybe I need to change my reading selections.

The Government Works For You

I don't know if anybody still remembers this, but the government is supposed to work for us. They are our employees. Apparently, they didn't get the memo.

Today I had the joy of visiting the post office to purchase stamps. (I buy a lot of stamps. Today I spent over $2,000 on stamps.) I buy stamps at Rockford's "main post office" on Harrison Avenue. As always, there was a nice long line. There was only one clerk to help these people. There was another clerk there, but she was under orders from management to get people to use the automated machine in the lobby.

When I talked to the clerk that was actually helping people, she told me that management is intentionally causing long lines at the post office to "force" people to use the automated machine. The plan, of course, is to get the public used to using these machines so the post office can reduce its work force.

I am always in favor of a sleeker, more-efficient government. I'm not in favor of a sleeker, less-efficient government. (I didn't know the government could be any less efficient, actually.) These people are supposed to be public servants, but they're intentionally creating long lines so they can cut jobs.

Hooray, recession. "What do we get first? Hope or change?"

Can you imagine what would happen if a private business operated that way? Oh, wait. This is why WalMart has thirty checkout lanes and there's only two clerks (and a bunch of self-serve lines).

Give us time. We'll have a country of 300 million unemployed people. Yes, we can!

Global Warming is the Shiznit

Global Warming is the Shiznit. I don't even know what that means. All I know is that today, November 5th, I had the top down on the convertible. If this is the terror of global warming, then let me be the first to say, "Thank you, sir! May I have another!?"

Election Coverage

So, I've been avoiding the election crap all day. I voted and I don't want to hear another word about it. But, I deal with the public, so of course that isn't going to happen. One lady was telling me that she was afraid of one of the candidates and that she was going to stay up all night watching election coverage. I told her that I wasn't watching any of it, and that I will find out who won when I wake up in the morning. Then she said something priceless.

"If you wake up in the morning and your house is on fire, you'll know who won."

Good to know.

Hilarity

No comment.

It's All About Me

Sometimes, people live under the idea that the world isn't really all about me. Well, that may be true--but this survey is. Enjoy!

Last voice you heard before you went to bed?
I wasn't paying any attention. Sorry.

Have you ever got into a wreck?
That's classified.

First thing you ate today?
His liver.

Have you ever smoked cocaine?
People smoke it, too?

What are you looking forward to?
My computer screen.

Do you think you are an argumentative person?

Bree: Don't argue!
Me: I never argue!
Bree: Yes you do!
Me: No I don't!

True story.

Has this weekend been good?
Weekends are like certain other things in life (that I want for Christmas). Some are better than others, but they're all good.

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
Is there another kind?

How did you feel when you woke up today?
Sleepy.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
I try to only associate with hot chicks.

Was yesterday better than today?
Live in the present, not in the past. Today is awesome and yesterday doesn't much matter anymore because it's too late to change it.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
When I got tired.

Are you happy right now?
I wouldn't dream of being any other way.

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
Bert gave it to me.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
That was called "high school." I don't know I would recognize those people if they weren't high.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you go back to sleep?
Duh.

Have you ever told anyone you were okay when you really weren't?
Whenever someone asks me how I am, I always tell them I'm great. It's not because I don't see the point in dragging someone else down if I am having a bad day; it's because I'm flipping awesome.

Do you talk a lot?
Undecided.

Can you play pool?
Sure. I can't win, but I can play.

Did you cry today?
Crying is for...I don't even know...somebody else.

Who was the last person to make you smile?
You can't make me smile!

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes, but I'm trying to block that memory from consciousness.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'm always in lots of relationships. Maybe you meant something more specific?

Have you made a mistake this past week?
Are you kidding? I haven't made a mistake in forever. Usually, all my unintentionally bad decisions are intentional.

Who knows you better than you know yourself?
God.

Who was the last girl you talked to?
Classified.

What are you doing tonight?
This survey. Sheesh, you really are thick-skulled, aren't you?

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
What's a number one? Number one, go number two!

Are you excited for the future?
I guess that depends on how you define "excited."

What are you going to do after this?
Go to bed with every hottie in the building.

What is the last movie you watched?
American Beauty. Am I going to hell for that? I still think it's a comedy, even though everybody keeps telling me that it is not.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
Everyone can be understood with a proper understanding of The Jack Sparrow Philosophy.

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
For the rest of my life, probably.

Are any of your friends pregnant?
I had nothing to do with that.

Are you taller than 5'5"?
I think Bree is 5'5". That's not tall at all.

What were you doing at 9 this morning?
Getting Breezy ready for church.

Can you admit when you're wrong?
I wouldn't know. It's never happened.

Do you miss anyone?
No, I am a very good shot, especially with the sniper rifle.

Are you easily confused?
I don't even know what you're asking me.

Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?
Bree isn't old enough to get married. So far so good--she's an awesome kid.

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Of course it is. You can't improve perfection, baby!

What color are your socks?
Socks are for losers and people that aren't allergic to latex.

Do you fall for people easily?
Honestly, I am not that clumsy.

Everything happens for a reason?
Of course! I'm not saying it's a good reason, but I am a big fan of basic concepts such as cause-and-effect and physics.


Have you ever been cheated on?
I would guess constantly, but can't be sure (and wouldn't really like to know, thanks).

What are you listening to right now?
My chillpad.

Are you wearing jeans right now?
Actually I am. How did you catch me clothed? Friggin stalker!

Have you memorized your social security number?
Yes. I have also memorized yours.

Do you laugh at all the wrong times?
I laugh all the time. It's totally inappropriate.

Are you a good speller?
I can't believe "speller" is even a word. I spell in accordance to my level of education. I judge you because you fail to do the same.

Does your best friend have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
My best friends are married. Poor kids.

Do you have any pets?
Bree has a toad, if that crap counts for anything.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Grey.

Do you enjoy sleeping late?
I can't remember the last time I did something crazy like that!

What's the weather like right now?
Not warm enough. (Is it ever?)

What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I had a dream that little white children and little black children were able to play together and judge each other by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin.

What's your favorite day of the week?
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y! NIGHT!

What's your least favorite color?
Mother of Pearl.

Do you need to do laundry?
Occasionally.

Have you ever caught a butterfly?
I have a five-year-old daughter. What do you think?

What color are your bed sheets?
Blue with stars. There's gonna be another star in there in a minute.

Do you hold grudges?
Oh, yeah, baby! I hold them and caress them and make sweet, passionate love to them. Oh, yeah, baby--keep the hatred and pain in my heart! I love it when I'm angry, baby! Oh, YES!
Heck no.