Top Six Schemes That Work

These schemes must work, because I see them all the time:

6. Hello, my name is Mike, and I am a missionary from the church to the Philippines. Then you hand the person a laminated piece of paper with who knows what on it (I never look at it) and then you ask for donations for some compassionate ministry you're doing. Perhaps AIDS education and prevention, perhaps books for your literacy program, whatever. Be sure not to indicate what church you are a missionary from, because the target may be Lutheran--or not.

5. Hello, my name is Mike, and I just came from a fragrance trade show here in town, and now we are liquidating our left-over merchandise at significant discounts! Then you reference a piece of paper, which indicates the different scents available as well as their retail prices and the discounted prices. Try really hard to get the target to sniff your scents. Hope they don't question the fact that you "just" came from a trade show (for fragrances!?) and just happen to have a beat-up, typed, sheet of paper with your discount prices already printed on it.

4. Hello, my name is Mike. I'm from Chicago and I need some money for a bus ticket home. You didn't even consider how you were going to get home when you left?

3. Hello, my name is Mike, and we're selling magazine subscriptions... because no one has tried this scam before. Do people still pay for magazines? You know you can get that crap for free online, right?

2. I'll send you a check if you send me a check. That doesn't even make sense.

and the number one scheme that works:

1. Hello. I love you. Let's make babies!