The Bill of Rights

In high school, we had to pass a test on the U.S. Constitution to graduate.  That meant that we took the time in one of our social studies classes to read the Constitution and talk about what it means.  Of course, we were taught all wrong.  I want to talk about the Bill of Rights, because that's where we were really misled.



Article I:  Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

This article means:

• you can freely exercise your religion of choice (unless it is Christianity).
• you have the right to say or write whatever the government approves.  For matters that the government is unconcerned with, you have free license to say whatever you want, unless it is true (we call that slander).
• you have the right to peaceably assemble, so long as the government has granted you a permit.
• you may petition the Government, but then they will know who you are.  Do this at your own risk.
  

Article II: A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

This means that the government can form a military to control all persons on the face of the planet.  Also, if you can figure out how to do it, you may receive an arm transplant from a grizzly bear without fear of the government.  You may not, under any circumstance, own or carry a weapon.  This includes finger nail clippers.



Article III:  No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Article III assures you that you maintain control over your private property. That property is yours, and the government does not have the right to use it or take it from you without your permission.  That is, of course, unless they want to.


Article IV:  The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

The government may not conduct a search or seizure of your person or anything you own, unless they say the magic words: probable cause.  No one has to actually prove probable cause, or even have probable cause.  Basically, if they say they have probable cause, you are screwed.


Article V:  No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation. 

This article is no longer valid.  It was repealed by the word "terrorist."


Article VI:  In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Before they put you in jail for any alleged crime, you have the right to a trial.  The government will be represented by a legal team with limitless funds in the pursuit of your conviction.  You will be represented by whatever lawyer you can find, else the lawyer the government chooses to give you.


Article VII:  In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

If you are taken to court, and there is more than $20 at stake, you have the right to have the case examined by a jury full of people that are too dumb to get out of jury duty.


 Article VIII:  Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

This means that the government can fine you all they want for any ridiculous charge they can come up with, but even the most vile offenders will not receive a punishment more harsh than watching cable TV from inside locked doors.


Article IX:  The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.


You only have the rights the government says you have, and usually not even those.



Article X:  The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Nobody has any rights unless the federal government gives them to you.


Perhaps some of you think I have misunderstood the Bill of Rights.  Maybe you think that the Bill of Rights extends to you much greater freedom than what I have indicated above.  You probably think that I have a lot of these completely wrong.  In fact, reading these articles in plain English, the intent is clear, you say. 

Wrong. 

First of all, you have to remember that this document was written like a thousand years ago or something.  They used words completely differently than we did.  For example, "bear" to them always meant the animal that lives in the forest--it never meant "possess." Therefore, just because the Bill of Rights says something, that doesn't mean that's what it means.

Secondly, the authors wrote the Bill of Rights with a number of assumptions.  For example, when they said the government would not restrict free speech, it was assumed that no one would disagree with the government.  Again, just because you think the Bill of Rights offers you some sort of freedom, this cannot be assumed.

The best thing to do, then, is to let the government tell you what you can and cannot do.  As a general guide, let me tell you what the government would have you do:

1. Go to work and make as much money as you can.  This money will be confiscated for the greater good.  If you do not want to go to work, that is fine.  In that case, you should depend wholly on the government for all of your needs.
2. Spend whatever money that may be available to you, and more.  Staggering personal debt is essential for the good of the economy and the benefit of the country.
3. Fear.  Statistically speaking, it is a near certainty that the person closest to you is either a terrorist or infected with the swine flu. Be very afraid.  Only the government can protect you.

I hope you have found this blog helpful.