Five Things That Make Me Weird

I have been thinking lately about how different I feel from those that are around me.  To me, my traits are perfectly normal.  However, I imagine that to everyone else I am very, very weird.  So just for some fun, here are five traits that I think are normal, but judging by those around me, they are very rare indeed.


I Proofread

I usually use programs that automatically underscore spelling errors.  I have no idea why, but when I see these errors being underlined, I actually go back and fix them.  In addition to that, I am generally able to distinguish between homophones and pseudo-homophones and successfully select the correct one.  To my knowledge, I have never written "his" when I meant "he's."

I also check for grammatical errors, and generally correct these as well.  Perhaps the most bizarre of all my traits: I actually know the rules of grammar in my native tongue.  It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition.  I doubt if there are more than seven people within one hundred miles of me that understand this concept.


I Drive With Purpose

For some reason, when I drive I actually intend to reach some destination.  It has been said that it's not the destination; it's the journey.  This may be true, but the journey is a waste of gasoline if there is no destination.  I do very odd things when I am driving.  For example, when I am at a traffic light, when it changes from red to green, I immediately drive my car forwards.  I do not remain stopped to admire the lovely green shade, as so many others do.  Perhaps I have lost my child-like awe of the world around me.


I Do Not Consider Others a Part of Myself

I cannot really explain how this has happened to me, but I have not managed to confuse my personal identity with that of others.  I do not care to psychoanalyze the reasons for it, but if someone asks for a photo of me, I would not give them a photo of me and my best friend, me and my brothers, me and my girlfriend, or me and my dog.  Ridiculous as it is, I insist on believing that my friends and family are actually other people, not merely extensions of myself.  Furthermore, if you ask me what I am doing this weekend, I will not be starting my response with the pronoun "we."  Instead, I will select the pronoun "I."


I Think Fat Makes Us Fat

Does this haircut make me look fat?  Does this outfit make me look fat?  No, dear, your fat makes you look fat--or at least that's the opinion of this particular guy.  Furthermore, having a distinguishing amount of fat makes one a fat person.  Certainly, there are levels of fatness in my mind.  From just fat to as fat as fat gets, there's fat, pretty fat, really fat, ridiculously fat and disgustingly fat.  In my mind, being fat occurs when one could be described as carrying more weight than is healthy or is expected for a person who is healthy.  This is wrong.  I live in America.  One is not fat until they reach the level I would describe as "really fat" (according to everyone but me).

For clarification, here are the terms I would use, verses the terms a normal person would use:
fat = thin
pretty fat = normal
really fat = pudgy
ridiculously fat = fat
disgustingly fat = fat, even for a fat person

Here is how I use those terms:
Fat: You are carrying some extra weight.  If you wanted to look like Bob from "Biggest Loser" you could do it if you used a treadmill while watching "Biggest Loser."
Pretty fat: The extra weight you are carrying is making your clothes tight.  If you wanted to look like Bob from "Biggest Loser" you could do it if you were on "Biggest Loser" for a season.
Really fat: You are carrying enough weight that you turn sideways to get out the door on your way to begin filming "Biggest Loser."

Ridiculously fat: You have your own gravitational pull.  Your car has damage to its exhaust system because it was crushed against the ground when you got in.  Fortunately, you weren't planning on going anywhere--you just wanted to park in the street.
Disgustingly fat: Your friends call you Grimace.  The rest of us call you Jabba the Hutt.


Now, just in case I got it wrong, here's how I believe the average American uses these terms.  Correct me if I'm wrong:
Thin: If you jump after getting out of the shower, the jiggling stops within 75 seconds.
Normal: If you jump after getting out of the shower, it wakes up everyone in the house.
Pudgy: If you jump after getting out of the shower, it's a miracle!
Fat: If you jump after getting out of the shower, your knees will shatter when you land.
Fat, even for a fat person: If you jump after getting out of the shower, you are going to fall through the floor and damage the foundation of your home.

This could have been a blog of its own!  The point is, I think we all need to eat fewer buckets of fried chicken.  I do not try to find clothes that will make me look thin, or get a haircut that will make my face look less round.  If I want to lose weight, I cut back on fat and exercise more.


If You Had Written This Blog, I Would Have Read It All And Left a Comment

Weirdo.