Effective immediately, select newly published posts at The Mike Lyons Show will be available en Español because, well, everything is funnier in Spanish!
To read The Mike Lyons Show en Español, simply visit http://espanol.themikelyonsshow.com!
Of course, here's the fun part. Also available will be the English translations of the Spanish translations. You see, I don't know Spanish, and I'm not going to go and pay someone that does to take care of this stuff for me. So, instead, I will just translate using one of those online tools...and then I'll translate the Spanish back to English. (It consistently turns out somewhat mangled.)
Enjoy it, kids!
This post available en Español!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Deep Thoughts on Relationships (Based on the Bible)
Alternative title: I Drank Too Much Caffeine
(I wrote this late last night)
Love hurts. Though the song was made popular by Nazareth in 1976, Jesus of Nazareth proved it way before that.
Relationships: everything to lose, nothing to gain. Okay, Jesus died for us because he loves us...but what did he get out of the deal? Not a dang thing, that's what.
The first step to loving others is to stop loving yourself. If you love someone...if you REALLY love someone, you're going to let them kill you. (See the life of Jesus.) If you're into self-preservation, love should be avoided.
Even if you do everything right, the other party will whore around. God took care of the Israelites and they repeatedly chased after other gods; the golden calf, Ba'al, etc.
(I wrote this late last night)
Love hurts. Though the song was made popular by Nazareth in 1976, Jesus of Nazareth proved it way before that.
Relationships: everything to lose, nothing to gain. Okay, Jesus died for us because he loves us...but what did he get out of the deal? Not a dang thing, that's what.
The first step to loving others is to stop loving yourself. If you love someone...if you REALLY love someone, you're going to let them kill you. (See the life of Jesus.) If you're into self-preservation, love should be avoided.
Even if you do everything right, the other party will whore around. God took care of the Israelites and they repeatedly chased after other gods; the golden calf, Ba'al, etc.
[Tangent: Why would ANYONE name their kid Aaron? What an idiot!!! Moses aint here--let's make a golden calf! Retard.]Jesus was willing to die for his friends...but get married? Not even God wants to deal with that crap.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bad Hair With Purpose
Normally, I keep my hair pretty short. It's a good look for me. It's nothing special, but it works for me.
Hold on...here comes one of my tangents.
The youth group at church is going to be participating in the 30-Hour Famine April 24-25. The 30-Hour Famine raises money to fight poverty and hunger worldwide. The money our group raises will go towards a joint project of World Vision and Nazarene Compassionate Ministries to help train farmers in Malawi.
Okay, back to the hair.
I haven't cut my hair since Halloween. It's starting to look rather frightening. ("Hi, I'm Albert Einstein, and I'm on crack.) I've told the kids at church that I won't cut my hair until the Famine in April. Whoever raises the most money for the cause will be allowed to cut my hair however they choose. For a month.Of course, my preference would be that I get to cut my own hair (and be done with it). If you'd like to help me win, please contact me. Or, if you'd like to make sure I lose, contact me and I'll put you in touch with one of the other participants. (Email The Mike Lyons Show [all one word] at AOL dot com.) Regardless of whose side you play for, the important thing is to support the work in Malawi.
Or, perhaps the important thing is to laugh at my ridiculous hair. Seriously, I went to great lengths to make it look that bad...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tips For A Happy Life
Here are some tips for a long, happy life.
1. Assume your hair is awful, and no amount of styling will ever change that.
2. Devote a terrific amount of brain power to the operation of your motor vehicle.
3. Pray continually.
The reason I make these specific suggestions is because if you are busy trying to style your hair and you let your car roll backwards into mine, only the grace of God will be able to provide me with enough self-control to not jump out of my car and drastically alter your physical appearance.
1. Assume your hair is awful, and no amount of styling will ever change that.
2. Devote a terrific amount of brain power to the operation of your motor vehicle.
3. Pray continually.
The reason I make these specific suggestions is because if you are busy trying to style your hair and you let your car roll backwards into mine, only the grace of God will be able to provide me with enough self-control to not jump out of my car and drastically alter your physical appearance.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Questions...
So, I haven't blogged in a while. It turns out that I haven't had much to say. Mostly, I've had a lot of questions.
Don't you realize that you smell?
I'm constantly amazed by how bad people smell, and I can't help but wonder if there's any possibility that they don't notice it. Seriously.
Smokers, you smell like an ashtray--didn't you notice?
There's the "old person smell," too. That one I'm a little more forgiving about simply because I don't know what it is, and since I don't know why they smell that way, I'm not too sure that it's their fault.
Then you've got the people who haven't brushed their teeth since breakfast, even though they had onions and sauerkraut at lunch. So disgusting. Buy some Mentos or something.
What was it like to be in Jesus' family?
Can you imagine the family dinner table? You've got Joseph at the head of the table, Mary at the foot, Jesus on one side and James and Jude on the other side. James and Jude are being brothers and Mary says, "James! Jude! Why can't be more like your brother Jesus, the son of God?" Good gravy.
What about Joseph? He's been entrusted to raise the savior of the world, but what can he possibly do? Every time I said something to him, I'd expect him to say, "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real dad!" and fear him saying, "I brought you into this world--I'll take you out of it!" Wrap your brain around that one.
Now that I think about it, Mary had the same problem. Sure, she could use that same "I brought you into this world--I'll take you out of it!" line, but what's to stop Jesus from saying, "Right back at you" or, even better, "Try it."
It couldn't have been all bad, though. I mean, you pack the kid a few loaves and a couple fish for lunch and he comes home from school with twelve baskets full. Pack the kid a lunch for kindergarten and he's still eating the leftovers when he graduates from high school. Never mind the side business selling bits of fish and broken pieces of bread. The kid fed the whole neighborhood.
Imagine the smile that must have come across Mary and Joseph's faces when they got an invitation to a "bring-your-own-booze" party. They show up empty handed, "Can I borrow a jug of water for a minute?"
It has been questioned if Jesus did these types of miracles before he began his ministry at the age of thirty. I figure he must have. His first recorded miracle in the Bible is turning water into wine. The party runs out of wine, and they say to Mary, "We're out of wine!" and she says, essentially, "Go talk to Jesus. He'll hook you up." Why would they go to Mary of all people? And, why would Mary expect Jesus to fix this? Clearly there was a pattern.
What if I don't die young?
There are a lot of things that I like about my life right now. At some point, though, most of that stuff is going to go away. I've kind of always figured I'd die young (I'm not sure why), but what if I don't?
And, when I say, "I can't wait until I get old and become a burden to my children" that's a lie.
Did she just say that?
"Do you smell liquor?" That was her question, about the police officer who had pulled us over. What, the guy has to be drunk if he pulls us over? That was funny enough, but the follow-up was the one that makes me laugh: "I'm not brave enough to make a citizen's arrest or anything." Priceless.
What am I supposed to do without football?
How long until football season starts back up? Maybe I can find my way to the Bears' preseason training camp this summer--but even that is a long time from now. And once the weather warms up a little bit--just a little bit--I won't miss it so much. But these cold February football-less weekends are retarded.
That's enough for the moment.
Don't you realize that you smell?
I'm constantly amazed by how bad people smell, and I can't help but wonder if there's any possibility that they don't notice it. Seriously.
Smokers, you smell like an ashtray--didn't you notice?
There's the "old person smell," too. That one I'm a little more forgiving about simply because I don't know what it is, and since I don't know why they smell that way, I'm not too sure that it's their fault.
Then you've got the people who haven't brushed their teeth since breakfast, even though they had onions and sauerkraut at lunch. So disgusting. Buy some Mentos or something.
What was it like to be in Jesus' family?
Can you imagine the family dinner table? You've got Joseph at the head of the table, Mary at the foot, Jesus on one side and James and Jude on the other side. James and Jude are being brothers and Mary says, "James! Jude! Why can't be more like your brother Jesus, the son of God?" Good gravy.
What about Joseph? He's been entrusted to raise the savior of the world, but what can he possibly do? Every time I said something to him, I'd expect him to say, "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real dad!" and fear him saying, "I brought you into this world--I'll take you out of it!" Wrap your brain around that one.
Now that I think about it, Mary had the same problem. Sure, she could use that same "I brought you into this world--I'll take you out of it!" line, but what's to stop Jesus from saying, "Right back at you" or, even better, "Try it."
It couldn't have been all bad, though. I mean, you pack the kid a few loaves and a couple fish for lunch and he comes home from school with twelve baskets full. Pack the kid a lunch for kindergarten and he's still eating the leftovers when he graduates from high school. Never mind the side business selling bits of fish and broken pieces of bread. The kid fed the whole neighborhood.
Imagine the smile that must have come across Mary and Joseph's faces when they got an invitation to a "bring-your-own-booze" party. They show up empty handed, "Can I borrow a jug of water for a minute?"
It has been questioned if Jesus did these types of miracles before he began his ministry at the age of thirty. I figure he must have. His first recorded miracle in the Bible is turning water into wine. The party runs out of wine, and they say to Mary, "We're out of wine!" and she says, essentially, "Go talk to Jesus. He'll hook you up." Why would they go to Mary of all people? And, why would Mary expect Jesus to fix this? Clearly there was a pattern.
What if I don't die young?
There are a lot of things that I like about my life right now. At some point, though, most of that stuff is going to go away. I've kind of always figured I'd die young (I'm not sure why), but what if I don't?
And, when I say, "I can't wait until I get old and become a burden to my children" that's a lie.
Did she just say that?
"Do you smell liquor?" That was her question, about the police officer who had pulled us over. What, the guy has to be drunk if he pulls us over? That was funny enough, but the follow-up was the one that makes me laugh: "I'm not brave enough to make a citizen's arrest or anything." Priceless.
What am I supposed to do without football?
How long until football season starts back up? Maybe I can find my way to the Bears' preseason training camp this summer--but even that is a long time from now. And once the weather warms up a little bit--just a little bit--I won't miss it so much. But these cold February football-less weekends are retarded.
That's enough for the moment.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Patch For Your Coat
My boss says I should put this patch on my coat. My boss. Who am I to argue with him?
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