The Bucket List

New updates! May 29, 2009.

Since first writing my bucket list in November, I've realized that it's way easier to add items to it than to actually complete them. I knew the list would change over time--I just had no idea it would just grow. Regardless, this is a work in progress, and your ideas would be very much appreciated!

Why write a bucket list? Quite simply, I know that I am good at completing goals if I have a specific one and know how to complete it. You can't meet goals you don't set.

Also, no vague goals on my list. If I don't know how to accomplish it, I am not going to put it on my list because it will just frustrate me, and it's not even a real goal but just a dream. I'll leave the dreaming to Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Bucket List:

• Buy a place in Muskegon, Michigan
• Buy or build a house (for me) with an indoor pool
• Convert the PT Cruiser into an electric vehicle
  
• Make out with Keira Knightley (seriously reconsidering this--she can't be as sickly thin as some of those photos online make her look, can she?)
  
• Pee on the continental divide
  
• Pilot an airplane
• Ride my bike to Belgium
  
• Skydive
• Successfully pull of a caper. I was a little adverse to this at first, but after contemplating one, my appetite has been whetted. This will be fun. (Thanks, Bombadee!)
  
• Take a honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. You'll notice "get married" isn't on the list, so somebody might get a heck of a deal on this one...though that could get complicated quick.
• Trick someone into taking me to a five-star restaurant.
  
• Visit these fine places (or, if I have already, one more time):
• Australia (including Cape Tribulation.)
  
• Canada
• Columbia
  
• England
• Fiji
  
• Norway
  
• United States - Every State. Don't forget...
• Disneyland
• Disney World
  
• The Grand Canyon
• Hawaii (I know it's a state, and therefore already covered, but it's important!)
  
• Jackson Hole
• Jamestown, ND (and it's big Bison) It turns out, this is just the next city over from Valley City, home of the Dam Bicycle Tour.
  
• Las Vegas
• Metropolis, Illinois - gotta see the giant Superman statue
• Mitchell, SD (and its Big Bison)
  
• Montgomery, Alabama (and eat at ten different Mexican restaurants in a single day. It sounds like an, uh, express diet plan.)
• San Diego Zoo
• Wayne's Drive-In, Cedarburg, WI (delicious!)
  
• Yellowstone

• Whitewater Rafting - At any class, but at some point at least Class 4!
• Write the book (or two?)
  

There's some other ones that I don't feel entirely comfortable posting on the Internet. :)


Completed:

• Run ten miles. This is a horrible goal. I do not recommend it.
• Visiting Illinois.
• Chicago (somehow managed to not be blog-worthy)
  
• Dixon
• Rockford
• Schaumburg
• Winnebago
  
• Visiting Wisconsin.
• Belgium
• Beloit
  
• Cedarburg
• Madison
  

By the way, if you think I should visit your town, be sure to drop me a line and tell me why! (Also, let me know if I can sleep on your couch!)

Help for Mel

Okay, so, here's one for Mel Gibson's benefit.

Yes Adriana Lima

No Oksana Grigorieva

Please observe:

• Adriana Lima appears to be happy.
• Oksana Grigorieve appears to sense impending doom.
• Adriana Lima looks like a girl.
• Oksana Grgorieve looks like Michael Jackson with a nose.
• Not all lingerie models are created equal.
  

Open Letter to Mel Gibson

Dear Mr. Gibson,

I used to be a big fan. I love vigilante cop justice (in fiction movies), and therefore loved the Lethal Weapon movies. I love white-on-white violence in the quest for freedom, and therefore loved The Patriot and Braveheart. And Signs remains one of my all-time favorite movies, which is amazing given the lack of gratuitous violence. Then a movie star made a good movie about my hero, Jesus, and it wasn't even sacrilegious. That's awesome!

But then you went weirdo on me. Apocolypso? Drunk anti-Semitic rants? Some crazy goatee that made you look like Colonel Sanders on crack? What's wrong with you, Mel?

Then, your wife files for divorce. It's always sad to see a marriage fail, but if you're married to Colonel Sanders on crack, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I understand. And of course, once she's to that point, there's not much left up to you--you just have to take the flogging.

But then, you knock up a lingerie model? I would be totally supportive if it was Adriana Lima or something. I mean, I'd totally forget the drunk Apocolypso crack rant. But, this girl you're with...her face is four plastic surgeries from looking as good as Joan Rivers. Vomit.

Get some help or something, Mel.

Yours truly,

mike

Relationships are like...

Relationships are like being marooned on an island without any food with a single pistol with a single shot:

• That pistol starts to look mighty friendly.
• Your best bet is to stand out in the sea until all manner of sea creatures become acclimated to your presence.
  
• You might be well served to make rope (out of human hair from your back, if necessary).

Relationships are like having sex with Magic Johnson:

• It seems great--until you get HIV.
• The innuendo never stops.

Relationships are like high school calculus:

• The crap just doesn't ever seem to add up right.
• I'm not good at it, but if I don't at least try my mom will be disappointed.

Relationships are like lies:

• They sound nice, but then you discover the truth.
• The little white ones are just as bad as the others.

Relationships are like table saws:

• It's never a good idea to get too comfortable around them.
  
• Grandpa made some awesome stuff with his; I cut my thumb off with mine.

Relationships are like salsa:

• My mom doesn't approve of the hot kind. (Yours doesn't, either.)
  
• The hotter it is going in, the hotter it is going out.
• If you're not careful it gets real messy real quick.

Relationships are like this blog:

• You know there's going to be one person who wants it to last a little longer, and another who already bailed.
• Terrible!
  

Deep Thoughts on a Thursday

Shamu.

I hate cold, more and more every day. I've been told that 70 degrees is not cold. I disagree. My next job is going to be inside a sauna. I should work on my abs first.

Is 7-to-0 a ratio, or just the score?

There is a certain burden to being totally awesome, and not many are cut out for it. Then again, not many are totally awesome.

Greed is when you want more money than I want.

"My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body." Psalm 38:7.

I have a new quest. I must learn to distinguish between the "I will laugh at any joke you tell because you are the one telling it" laugh and the "I actually think that's funny" laugh. This a particularly difficult quest due to the fact that any joke I tell is actually funny.

Easily Confused

Today I found myself driving behind someone who's license plate frame said, "I HATE THE WAY YOU DRIVE." I thought that was pretty lame, especially since it was so far removed from what I originally thought it said. I originally thought it said, "I MATE THE WAY YOU DRIVE." I wasn't sure what that meant. I figure, since it was posted on the rear plate, maybe he intended you to only read the license plate if you were right on his rear end, if you know what I mean.

I really don't want to know.

115 percent

Some idiot on Biggest Loser said, "I'm always going to give 115 percent."

I said, "And apparently not very good at math. That explains the calorie-counting fiasco."

The whole show reminds me of the quote, "I want better self-esteem, but I don't deserve it." I'm not sure why.

Mind of Mike

Every once in a while, I have a blog for no other purpose than to expose myself. I simply share the thoughts that leak into my head over the course of a day. This is one of those blogs.

My 25th year kindergarten class reunion is just a couple years away, but I definitely don't want to go. I've gained like 150 pounds since then!

Today I had a small emergency at work. I had to have a co-worker fill in for me so I could leave for a little bit. I ran out of apples.

Nicknames seem to be easily acquired. My latest is "Handsome," apparently.

I know we get apples from all over the world, but what if I grew my own? I'd have apples in the fall, but how can I preserve them for the winter? I need apples year-round...and the grocery bill is adding up.

I can't figure out what the big deal is with Miss California. Miss Rhode Island is way hotter.

Spell check doesn't know its states or contractions. I thinks both "Rhode" and "doesn't" are spelled wrong. You would think that a person who is smart enough to write code for a spell check would be smart enough to spell Rhode Island.

That's enough.

Happy Mother's Day

In honor of this Mother's Day, I would like to take this moment to thank God for my mother and my convertible.

By the way, moms, you should take your new hanging baskets inside tonight.

Thanks be to God, again, for the convertible.

Open Letter to Jenny M.

Dear Jenny,

Get yourself a freaking sister.

Your favorite,
mike

New Mike

I am a changed man. I never intended to make a change, but sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore.

One recent development is that I am slowly becoming Captain Barbossa. I am not sure how this started, exactly, but I suddenly find myself eating two or three apples a day. Beware, you scalawags!

That doesn't even bother me too much. Ironically, the more startling change was fully exposed this week when I found myself gently reprimanded by the instructor of my online class for my anti-war, pacifist stance. Can you imagine me taking a pacifist stance so strongly that I had to be put straight? I was the kid that wanted nothing more than to grow up to earn a living shooting Russians. (Hey, it was the Cold War, okay?) Now I am the guy who gets people riled up because I think their military service is over-rated. What is this world coming to?

Hopefully, the New Mike will have more success than New Coke ever did.

Nine Lies

1. I love school, especially online classes with loads of class discussion.
2. All of my friends live in the same town that I do.
3. The best part of my job is the respect that I am given by my co-workers.
4. I am in the best physical shape of my life.
5. Sunburns are simply something that does not happen to me.
6. I am completely content in my dead-end job.
7. UPS, FedEx Ground, DHL, USPS, and Spee-Dee Delivery are all great services.
8. I make tons of money and travel all over the country.
9. I am a total slut.
   

UPS Watch: Day 23

9:22 am
The box that has been in transit for 23 days now is supposed to be delivered today. I am anxiously awaiting its arrival. Of course, it was also supposed to be delivered on Day Three. Then it was going to be delivered on Day Four... the drama that is UPS continues.

9:30 am
The people on the radio are offended that Jenny Craig offered to "help" Jessica Simpson. At the same time, they thought Aretha Franklin should consider a similar offer. Would UPS be offended if I taught them to deliver a package!?

10:57 am
The only thing that could possibly be more retarded than UPS is the United States Postal Service. I'm just sayin.

11:15 am
My UPS rep called to check on the package. No, it's still not here.

11:21 am
My UPS rep called. He told me that the online tracking shows that the package will be delivered today. That's super reassuring, since that's what it said twenty days ago.

12:12 pm
Usually the UPS guy is here by 10 am. Still nothing today; I haven't even seen a poop-brown-colored truck today.

12:15 pm
I spoke too soon. It's here. UPS repackaged it (thus the new tracking number) when they found it in Utah, which is why the tracking showed that it grew a pound. Ironically, UPS listed it as 18 pounds when it is actually 21. Geniuses, all.

Running Madison

And so it begins.

There used to be a time when Bree would freak out if she lost sight of me in a public place. At a minimum, she wanted to be able to see me; usually she wanted to hold my hand or be carried. Those days are over, and of course they're never coming back.

Saturday at the Henry Vilas Zoo in Madison, Bree wanted to run. (She did.) Emboldened by her friend, Bree ran and ran. I am sure the other parents looked at them and at us and thought, "I am so glad my kids aren't acting like that." I really don't care if she runs at the zoo--but it'd be nice if she stayed within sight. For the most part she did, but I do not approve when she doesn't!

Somehow, Madison projects itself like it's a real city. It's not. If it were a real city, its Burger King would have the current line of toys instead of leftovers from the previous line and leftovers from the line way back in January. Not that I go to Burger King for Bree to get the stupid Spongebob Squarepants toys she sees on TV, but...I LIKE SQUARE BUTTS! (Instead, we drove home to the music of a "burp machine.")

In other news...

UPS Watch: Day 22

I am still waiting for a package to arrive from Florida via UPS Ground. It was shipped on April 13th and was originally scheduled for delivery on April 16th. Now UPS says it will deliver May 5th. I'm not holding my breath. Interestingly, they gave it a new tracking number, and now the box weighs a pound more. Stay tuned.