Rain Fire & Boat

Introducing the Rockford version of Earth Wind and Fire: Rain Fire and Boat.

A train carrying ethanol derailed in Rockford, Illinois, which makes a big, big fire. The suspected cause of the derailment is the City of Rockford's utter inability to deal with rain. (Reports suggest that the wreck may have been caused by washed-out track.) Every time there is a heavy rainfall, flooding occurs, leading to mass chaos of one form or another. This is the first time, to my knowledge, that it has led to a flaming inferno.

You really must watch this video. It's not professional, by any means, and the beginning includes some of the worst footage you have ever seen. But, you must watch it anyway.



Did you notice the fire truck that brought a boat to the fire? I wonder what they were planning on doing with that. Being a firefighter really must be more fun than I thought.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I was sure, would prove to be the worst day of my entire life. But that was yesterday, and now I know better. Now I long for a thousand yesterdays. So I will cherish my today, for it may be the best day for the rest of my life. It may be the last.

Redundancy

A gentleman comes to the counter with something that looks all the world like an envelope for X-rays. He asks me for a FedEx envelope. We can all see where this is going, but I play along. I hand him a legal-sized FedEx envelope.

"This is the biggest one I have."

"Do you have one that is bigger?"

"No, this is the biggest one I have."

"Isn't there one that is bigger?"

"There may be one that is bigger, but I don't have any. This is the biggest one I have."

"You don't have anything bigger?"

"No, this is the biggest one I have."

I really have no comment. I mean, what can you say to that?

Silly DHL

The Europeans are supposed to be so modern and sophisticated. I must be really out of it, then, because I think our fast-food workers dress better than those ridiculous DHL drivers ever did. What gives?

And, how many guys does it take to move one box? What a cluster.

I suspect that dressing your drivers like a bunch of creepy clowns doesn't help improve market share...which I guess explains why DHL had to pull out of domestic shipping in the United States. It wouldn't hurt my feelings any if they pulled out of shipping altogether. Their price point is the only good thing I can say about them anymore. The customer service is terrible. I had a good DHL driver for a while, but after the huge cutbacks (which is what happens when you abandon domestic shipping), there's not many drivers left at all--never mind good ones.

Top Six Schemes That Work

These schemes must work, because I see them all the time:

6. Hello, my name is Mike, and I am a missionary from the church to the Philippines. Then you hand the person a laminated piece of paper with who knows what on it (I never look at it) and then you ask for donations for some compassionate ministry you're doing. Perhaps AIDS education and prevention, perhaps books for your literacy program, whatever. Be sure not to indicate what church you are a missionary from, because the target may be Lutheran--or not.

5. Hello, my name is Mike, and I just came from a fragrance trade show here in town, and now we are liquidating our left-over merchandise at significant discounts! Then you reference a piece of paper, which indicates the different scents available as well as their retail prices and the discounted prices. Try really hard to get the target to sniff your scents. Hope they don't question the fact that you "just" came from a trade show (for fragrances!?) and just happen to have a beat-up, typed, sheet of paper with your discount prices already printed on it.

4. Hello, my name is Mike. I'm from Chicago and I need some money for a bus ticket home. You didn't even consider how you were going to get home when you left?

3. Hello, my name is Mike, and we're selling magazine subscriptions... because no one has tried this scam before. Do people still pay for magazines? You know you can get that crap for free online, right?

2. I'll send you a check if you send me a check. That doesn't even make sense.

and the number one scheme that works:

1. Hello. I love you. Let's make babies!

Hostage

I just watched Hostage with Bruce Willis (again). I love action movies. Last year, when I decided to give up materialism, this was one of about twenty movies that I decided to hold onto. (The other eighty movies sold cheap--if you didn't buy any, you totally missed out.) If you haven't seen it, ladies, you'll have to let me know and we'll have a little movie night together. Guys, if you haven't seen it, umm, it's $9.99 on Amazon.

I want to be the accountant.

Best and Worst

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way..."
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

It was high school, is what it was. One of the things that I loved in high school was the ride home. I would catch a ride home with a guy who lived down the street from me. There was a certain stretch of road on our way home that crossed some train tracks. There was a noticeable incline of the road up to those tracks, and a noticeable decline after them. Billy would hit those tracks going about 85 mph. The entire car would go airborne, and so would I. It was loads of fun.

Well, some idiots decided that there should be a stop sign for the train tracks. I've never heard of such a thing! Who stops for train tracks, unless there's a train? Buses and trucks carrying explosives, that's who. Well, those idiots prevailed. Stupid.

I went and got a pizza from Anna's Pizza in Winnebago, Illinois. Their pizza tastes like homemade with a nice, doughy crust and tons of cheese. It was nice and hot, too. I think I lost a layer of flesh on the roof of my mouth. It was totally worth it.

Give me more pizza, less stop signs.