Approval

A Fox News poll released Monday reveals that only thirty percent of Americans approve of the job performance of the U.S. Congress. In other words, thirty percent of Americans aren't paying any attention whatsoever. How many Americans have even a rudimentary understanding of public policy to begin with? If seventy percent of us think the congress is doing a lousy job, they must be really bad.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. (H.L. Mencken)

I'd like to thank Jean for making my life unnecessarily complicated. In four months I'll be buying her a pizza and thanking her again.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew this week. Typically there is a certain fear and trepidation that accompanies the prospect of being overwhelmed with four bundles of energy like them, but it turns out I have a car and can leave at any moment if it becomes necessary.

We broke out a game called "Outwit." It's a game of strategy, intended for ages 8 and up. Bree and I learned how to play this afternoon and then I watched her defeat a real-live doctor this evening. I love that kid.

Non-Traditional Families

This morning, I was reading an article about the church trying to be more relevant to the modern world. The following quote caught my attention:

"The latest figures on births and marriages show that about 44 per cent of children are born to unmarried women."

I'm curious how many of those children are born to unmarried fathers. But I digress.

I think Kurt Cobain has some insight for the church.

Come
As you are
As you were
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a friend
As a known memory
Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is yours
Dont be late
Take a rest
As a friend
As a known memory

I think the church needs to be saying something similar.

If you haven't ever read anything screwed up, you didn't notice that I just took Nirvana lyrics and suggested them as guidance for the church. (You also haven't read God's Other Son by Don Imus, which is severely screwed up.)

Brick!

By the way, the guy who came into my work yesterday and advised me that he was going to throw a brick through the window at the local post office is totally full of crap. The windows were still intact when I took my certified in today.

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Yay, Cavs. We love watching you not win championships.

A Rebuttal

Here's a rebuttal to the post I made the other day about the chicks that throw themselves at me. It's just a collection of stories from the other side of the equation.

Am I Cute?

Her: "before or after you open your mouth?"
Me: "either or."
Her: "yea, no. In that order."

Real Life Skills

Her: "You suck at life. Why do I even talk to you?"

Distance

Me: "Hello."
Her: "You are very cute but too far away."
(What the what are you talking about!?)

The Greatest Letdown Of All Time

(just before I was going to ask her out)
Her: "I need to FedEx this card to my boyfriend."
(Crap.)

Qualifications

me: "I'm pretty sure you go for guys with like, I dunno, brains and money, of which I have neither. And not guys that have like, I dunno, psycho ex-wives and children."
her: "Exactly."

I'm sure there are more, but those are my favorites, and the ones that come to mind at the moment.

The Moment of Truth

When the story of your life is nearly written,
And only a final date and cause must be added,

When your career has yielded to your age,
And your great accomplishments are nearly forgotten,

When your children are grown,
And you have become their burden,

When your mind has slowed,
And your senses have failed you,

When you need others,
And no one needs you,

What was that all about?

Is This Love?

I came across this song that seems to capture the essence of how chicks seem to want to relate to me. I've edited it as necessary. (Yeah, if I feel compelled to edit it, it must be really bad.) I have never actually heard the song. I have only read the lyrics, which I have provided (edited) here:


I Love You Mike lyrics

Spoken: Hey Mike whats up?
This is a song for you, because I love you...

Lets go ***have sexual intercourse*** the ***excrement***
Outta Eachother
I really wanna go ***perform an oral sexual act*** you!
We have been through so much together!
I really wanna
***have sexual intercourse*** the ***excrement*** outta you!
Chorus:
***have sexual intercourse***, ***have sexual intercourse***, ***have sexual intercourse***
Lets go ***have sexual intercourse***
Until we have had way too much
***have sexual intercourse***, ***have sexual intercourse***, ***have sexual intercourse***, lets go ***have sexual intercourse***
Until we have had enough to last us forever....
Your 'rents aren't home
That's a good sign
Did you remember to bring protection?
Well, it don't really matter
I wanna have a baby with you
Because, we'll always be together
FOREVER

Chorus:
So what If my brother hates you
So what if my dad don't like you
Who cares if my mom is weary
I LOVE YOU ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEY HEY HEY HEY
Chorus (repeat until fade)


That song, by the way, is accredited to Delia Erin. Never heard of her? Me neither.

Regardless, I think it'd be totally awesome to be in a relationship with someone I actually knew before she started with that song and dance. I'm assuming there's a dance that goes with that. Oh, and, it merits mention that if the act removes excrement, you are doing it wrong.

How the Terrorists Won

When the terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center's twin towers and the Pentagon, their mission's primary objective was simply to instill fear in the hearts of Americans. Secondly, they hoped to disrupt our economy. While the immediate effect was felt, the long-term effect has been even more profound. The reaction of Americans and our leaders made the terrorists more successful than even their wildest expectations.

Never mind the fact that the terrorists could have never imagined that the towers would collapse. There is no way they could have anticipated taking out nine other buildings (some mysteriously collapsing that day, others being damaged so badly that they had to be demolished). Taking out eleven buildings with two planes is a rather impressive feat.

The attacks on September 11th were bad enough in and of themselves, but the reaction of the American public was (and continues to be) more devastating than the attacks themselves. While we went into a brief period of pro-American sentiment (which completely dissolved in short order), and we returned fire by fighting a couple of wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the fear of Americans was exactly what the terrorists hoped for.

Fear happens. That isn't the problem. The problem is that we acted based on fear rather than reason.

Our President began to proclaim that his primary responsibility was keeping the American people safe. That, my friends, is a bowl of excrement. The President's primary responsibility is to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. The President is not supposed to keep you safe. He's supposed to keep you free. Instead, we started giving away our freedoms in the name of combating terrorism.

We started looking to the government to solve our problems. My favorite of these was the government takeover of airline security screening. We kindly ignored the fact that the security people didn't do anything wrong. The terrorists used box cutters, which were allowed by the regulations at the time.

Fast forward six or seven years. We have our soldiers fighting two wars; one of which is barely in the American consciousness, the other is wildly unpopular. President Bush and his supporters still claim to be conservative, despite pushing through big government policies (regardless of public support) consistently. You are hard-pressed to find a really strong supporter of the President, and he has become more unpopular than the war in Iraq. Generations of cheapness and bad policy are beginning to take their tolls as our economy starts to fall apart at its seams.

In steps the anti-Bush, and we're not talking hot wax. Barack Obama enters, proclaiming that he was "sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth." (Seriously. He actually said it.) Although casting himself as anti-Bush, in reality Obama is Bush, except more and worse. The government will fix your problems. All you have to do is pay more taxes and let the government throw money at your problems, and all will be solved. The reactionary public, upset at the poor leadership of George W. Bush, elects Barack Obama in a landslide.The economy is in shambles. Unemployment is at 9.5 percent. The highest it has ever been since the Great Depression was 10.3 percent, which I suspect will be surpassed within the next two months. The Congressional Budget Office has predicted that Obama's next big "solution"--government controlled healthcare--will break the bank. Never mind that the government has borrowed more this year than it has in the previous 233 years combined already, even though they have no money to spend (they just keep printing more). Barack Obama may not actually be a communist, but it would be incredibly difficult to have policies that are more communist-pleasing than his.

So here we are. The economy is a worthless pile of excrement, with no solution in sight. Let's not mention that North Korea is picking a war, Iran is on the verge of revolution and this government doesn't know what to do about it, we've lost control of Afghanistan, and our men and women are still in Iraq for no apparent reason. The Democrats keep proposing, passing, and implementing policies that only serve to exasperate the problems they are intended to correct, and the Republicans don't have a pair of testicles among the bunch of them to do anything about it.

That, my friends, is how to destroy the United States of America with 19 idiots on four planes with a mere 75 percent success rate. The sad thing is that if we all got our heads out of our rectums, quit acting like terrified little children, and conducted ourselves like self-respecting adults, we could implement some forward-thinking policies and have this crap fixed in six months. Jeez, that might involve some personal responsibility and smaller government, though.

Giant Mystery Blob!

FoxNews.com reports "Giant Mystery Blob Moves Through Alaskan Waters." The article proclaims, "It's black, it's gooey, and it may be alive."

It's the real Star Jones.

Jewelry is for Sissies

The home of Orlando Bloom (big-time movie star, as seen in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, "Black Hawk Down" and a plethora of other movies) was burglarized last night. According to reports, more than $500,000 of jewelry was taken.

That's what you get for having half a million dollars of jewelry, especially if you're a dude. Sheesh.

Not Even Human

I hate it when people get talking about professional basketball and people talk about "bigs." I hate it even more when they talk about "smalls," although that happens less frequently.

People refer to centers and power forwards as "bigs." Guards and small forwards are called "smalls." But let's get one thing straight. In professional basketball, there are no "smalls." Some players are larger than others, but when compared to actual human beings, even the smallest player on the court would be considered above average.

These people are freaks of nature. God blessed them with size, and some of them even received athletic ability. (Then there's the Shawn Bradley type.) There's big, and there's bigger, but there are no small professional basketball players.

Never mind the fact that "bigs" and "smalls" are asinine terms used only by people with very tiny brains.

I also hate it when baseball announcers refer to the positions by number instead of by name.

Also, sometime you should ask me how a shortstop could turn an unassisted triple play without ever touching the ball. This is what I think about in the middle of the night.

Death by Chocolate

Vincent Smith II, a 22-year-old factory worker in New Jersey, died after falling into a vat of boiling chocolate.

In a related story, Vincent Smith II was voted the sexiest man on earth by People Magazine. Chicks love chocolate.

Can I Get a Witness?

We are all witnesses.

So says the Nike ad campaign for Air LeBrons or whatever the flipping cheeseburger they call his stupid shoes.

Some punk you've never even heard of before dunked on "King James" at a Nike basketball camp. Nike officials were so embarrassed, they confiscated the video.

I have also seen video of LeBron James losing a game of H-O-R-S-E.

Is LeBron James "the next Michael Jordan"? Sure he is, if by "the next" you mean "a guy that might be half as good as." It seems like "the next Michael Jordan" would be able to shoot, play defense, and win a championship or something.

We are all witnesses. Whatever.

The Brick Testament

This one is for you, Tim.

I found the greatest web site. The Brick Testament (which is in no way affiliated with Lego) is the self-proclaimed "world's largest and most comprehensive illustrated Bible."

If it weren't for the sacrilegious titles that the authors gave to some of the stories ("God Makes Promises He Won't Keep"), which result from a gross misunderstanding of scripture, it would be Sunday School worthy.

It will never top this, though:

(Must be a Michael Jackson fan to appreciate. Or not.)

This Is It

From FoxNews.com:
Concert Promoter: The Jackson Tour May Go On

Dear Mr. Randy Philips (Concert Promoter):

I know the concerts were being marketed as "This Is It," but Michael Jackson passed away, so this really is it. There will be no more Michael Jackson concerts. Give it up.

Love,

Mike

P.S. You should have told Michael Jackson to dress as he is shown above more often. I found the feminine clothing choices a little disturbing, to say the least.

Farm Town

Bree has me playing Farm Town on Facebook now. Farm Town is a computer game where you grow crops, harvest them, and take them to market. At the market, you receive "coins" that you can reinvest in your farm (new seeds to sow or trees to grow) or spend on various farm buildings, animals, and accessories. Of course, it's a computer game, so it's all virtual. Some players have very nice-looking farms that feature every single item available for purchase in the game. There is a lot of time invested in these "farms."

It's a fun little game, but I think it is reflective of what's wrong with a lot of people. The problem is, people put all this time "working" their farm, planning and implementing every little detail they can imagine, but it's all completely fake. All this time and effort is being spent on nothing. To me, I think that is exactly the problem. We have our hopes and dreams. We plot and plan, but then we do nothing.

Go. Do.

Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson

Since his death last week, I have been considering the life and death of Michael Jackson.

Jackson was, without question, a talented singer and dancer. The moonwalk has been and remains a favorite dance move since Michael Jackson introduced it to me in 1983. (No, I don't do it, but it's fun to watch.) I think the conclusion of the "Thriller" music video was hilarious.

Jackson also started and contributed to a number of charitable causes. He truly cared for children, and he truly appreciated his fans.

However, for those of us who were not trying to do the moonwalk at the middle school dance, we grew up knowing more about "Wacko Jacko" than about any song or dance move. This is the guy who was on TV telling Martin Bashir that he slept with boys and didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Most of our awareness of Jackson was his erratic behaviors and sexual molestation criminal and civil lawsuits.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on with Jackson. From early childhood, he was being worked ridiculously by his abusive father, enjoying incredible popularity without any personal foundation. He didn't know who cared about him personally, and who was only interested in sharing the limelight and sharing the dollars associated with it. He never felt accepted. After the Pepsi ad accident, he began to search for acceptance through his appearance by trying to make himself look like something people would accept--but the harder he tried to find acceptance, the less acceptance he found. Recognizing the loss of his own childhood, Jackson tried to regain it by providing childhood fantasies for himself and children--which only got him into more trouble. (Since his death, one of his accusers has been reported to have confessed that the allegations were false.)

All in all, I feel sorry for the guy. I would not give up the stability of knowing who I am and knowing who my real friends are in exchange for any amount of money.

Special thanks to the ridiculous news media for focusing my attention on this rather than, say, political unrest in Iran.