Zymurgy

Zymurgy (noun). The chemistry of fermentation processes.

My idea of cleaning the refrigerator is to take a Sharpie and write "zymurgy" on all the containers whose contents aren't recognizable. Whenever the fridge gets full, I call over Rosie O'Donnell and she eats it all. The woman has no respect for science.

Nut Dust?

"Here, you can have your nut dust back."

Diphthong

Diphthong (noun). Two vowel sounds used together to create a single sound.

I didn't say anything about your mom's underwear! I just said she used a diphthong!

Job Requirements

"Wanted: Experienced waitress with construction experience."
- help wanted ad for a pack-and-ship

Discalceate

Discalceate (verb). To take off one's shoes.

One time, there was this crazy terrorist wannabe that tried to blow up his feet, so now the government employee airport screeners make old ladies discalceate before they can get on an airplane.

Roller Derby is Sexy

"Is going to roller derby like going to a strip club?"
- Tim Young, Jr.

Shut the Front Door!

Parents:

Have your children been telling you to "shut the front door"? Are they saying it really angrily? Does it puzzle you because the door was already shut? Well, guess what--they're telling you to be quiet, in a really really rude way. They said exactly what they meant all the way up to the f, and then they edited.

Just a little FYI.

Love,

mike

Job

Job (noun). A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting (George Carlin).

How's work? Eh. It's a job.

Just in Case

"Pretty handy in case of apocalypse or whatever."

What I'm Looking For

Today we're going old school...

Well I'm lookin' for a girl who's virtuous
'Cause God laid it on my heart to search for this
So I open up the Word to the book of Proverbs
The 31st chapter tells me all about her
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain
A woman who fears the Lord, she ain't playin'
Hear what I'm sayin' 'cause I'm sayin' it clearly
She's the kind of girl I gots to have near me

-DC Talk, "That Kinda Girl"

Also on the list:

• Bigfoot
• Jackalope
• Martians
• Loch Ness Monster
• An honest and thoughtful politician
  

False Pregnancy

False pregnancy (noun). Labor under a misconception.

We worked really hard in preparation for the President's visit, but it was a false pregnancy: he never came.

Teleportation

"If they ever figure out teleportation, my job is ----ed. But I can't imagine they're going to figure that out any time soon. It's one thing to break something down; it's something else to put it back together in the right order."

"Yeah, that's pretty complicated. It'd be like curing polio. (pause) Oh, crap."

Have You Ever...

Have you ever gone out with a girl just because she really liked you and you felt like you owed her a nice favor?

That’s kind of slutty, yet admirable.

Boston

Boston (noun). An outdoor Betty Ford clinic.

I spent six years in Boston.

Salty Nuts

"You should get a taste of my salty nuts. Planters are delicious."

Apex

Apex (noun). The former spouse of a gorilla.

I don't know what the big deal is with Angelina Jolie--isn't she Billy Bob Thornton's apex?

Psychiatric Breakthrough

"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"

Achievement

Achievement (noun). The place where doing ends and bragging begins.

Allow me to congratulate you on your academic achievement, doctor.

Sincere Sarcasm

"Sincerity is the new sarcasm."
Bombadee

Reality Check

Last night, the Miami Dolphins lost to the Indianapolis Colts, despite keeping the Colts' time of possession to only 14 minutes and 53 seconds--the lowest time of possession for a winning team in the NFL since 1977.

After the game, Tony Sparano said, "It's really disheartening. That's exactly the formula to beat that team."

Really, coach? Limiting a team's time of possession is usually a great way to win a game--except when they have limited time of possession because they score so quickly. The Colts scored their first touchdown on the first play from scrimmage. That's not the formula to beat any team, and certainly will not be good enough to beat a team led by Peyton Manning. After all, in his 14:53, Manning still threw for 303 yards and two touchdowns. It's not enough to limit time of possession--you have to keep them out of the end zone, too.


Fox Sports offers a poll asking, "Which Manning led the more impressive Week 2 comeback?" I'm sorry, but even when Eli is brilliant, he's never impressive. It's just not his style.

A.A.A.A.A.

A.A.A.A.A. (proper noun). an organization for the mutual support of alcoholics who drive.

Thanks to the A.A.A.A.A., I never have to worry about getting a flat tire when I'm driving after a long night out at the bars.

Psycho Women

"I'm not saying all women aren't psychos. just that some are tolerably psycho."

Feastiality

Feastiality (noun). A sexual food fetish.

It's clear that she regularly indulges in feastiality.

The Effect of Commitment

"Women are different in six weeks than the person you married. It's true! Now I'm pissed off and I don't want to go home."

Really!?

I've never considered myself all that fashionable or anything, and I certainly don't see myself in the role of the "fashion police" anytime or anywhere. When the following came out of my mouth, I nearly passed out:

"I couldn't date her. I mean, look at how she dresses. I don't know if somebody somewhere thinks that's fashionable or what, but that should simply not be worn in public. It just shouldn't happen."

It was followed by a long line of, "Oh, my word," "I mean, really?" and "Who dresses like that!?" -type comments.

Which brings me to the Top Ten Signs You Need Fashion Help:

10. You saw a rock star wearing the exact same thing in concert.
9. You saw Lady Gaga wearing something that resembles it--ever.
8. That outfit really brings out the color of the bags under your eyes.
7. You had to lay on the floor and suck in real hard to fasten your pants.
6. It's always difficult to tell if a clothing item belongs to you or to your significant other.
5. Your significant other can never tell if you are ready or not because he keeps expecting you to go put on pants.
4. The difference between navy blue and black escapes you.
3. I can see your nipples--or your pulse--and you are a dude.
2. The waistline is higher than that of Charlie Weis.
1. Mike thinks you dress like an idiot. I mean, that's as bad as it gets.

Psychoceramics

Psychoceramics (noun). The study of crackpots.

Our date turned out to be a class in psychoceramics.

Self Defense

"Personally, if someone tried to rob me, they might be affected by an acute and sudden case of lead poisoning."

More

More (noun). 1. (when used by a woman in a personals ad) marriage and babies. 2. (when used by a man in a personals ad) sex.

Average-looking forty-ish single white male seeks open-minded female for friendship first, maybe more.

He was Michael Jordan

Jordan came out bombing, hitting six three-pointers in an 18-minute stretch in the first half, and 35 points total in the first half. The Bulls led by 15 at halftime and by 36 after three quarters. After hitting his sixth three-pointer in that run, Jordan turned to the national TV commentators with Magic Johnson on the crew and raised his palms as if to say he didn’t know what was going on, either. Sort of, “I can’t explain it.”

Everyone else could: He was Michael Jordan.

Sam Smith

Average-looking

Average-looking (adjective). 1. (when used by a woman) having a face resembling that of a basset hound. 2. (when used by a man) having an abundance of hair on the ears, nose, and back.

Average-looking forty-ish single white male seeks open-minded female for friendship first, maybe more.

Cartwright for Oakley

"In the final accounting, Cartwright also has three more championship rings than Oakley."

A remark that no one but me probably cares about.

The <3 Mike <3 Tattoo

Glamour Magazine published a list of "Ten Things He's Thinking When You're Naked." Number five is, "Who is Mike? And what is his name doing there?"

How the crap did I slip all the way down to number five?

And guys, you're welcome.

The Fire Still Burns

Twenty-one called.

She's still upset about the way the marriage fell apart. Last night she decided to burn all my pictures. I think that's funny, because I burned hers a year ago. Even funnier, it got a little bit out of control--she burned her house down, too.

She says she may still love me. She's wondering if we can get together and talk about it, maybe over dinner.

Open-minded

Open-minded (adjective). 1. (when used by a woman) desperate. 2. (when used by a man) wanting to sleep with your roommate, but she wasn't interested, so now wanting to sleep with you.

Average-looking forty-ish single white male seeks open-minded female for friendship first, maybe more.

A Drink a Day

"If I could prescribe daily drinking for anyone, it'd be you."
- Bombadee

Would You Be Mad?

A group of us were out for dinner. Some of us were drinking. The hottest girl there (by a long shot) and I are joking around. She was one of the ones drinking, but I was still surprised when she asked me, "Would you be mad if I punched you in the face right now?"

"Nah."

And then she did!

I guess I lied.

Fourth Ex

I ran into the fourth ex-wife at the grocery store today. She stopped to chat. It was all very friendly. We chatted there in the store for five or six minutes.

Now I'm headed to the clinic to get checked for STDs.

Lovely Graffiti

This has to be the graffiti of any man's dreams, spray-painted on my front door:

I still love you. Call me.

Twenty-Two Wives

First ex-wife,
Second ex-wife,
Third ex-wife:
All bores.

Fourth ex-wife,
Fifth ex-wife,
Sixth ex-wife:
All whores.

Seven was very nice,
Although she was a vegan,
I thought that was weird
Until she became a Wiccan.

Eight was lots of fun,
A little kinky though,
Left me chained in the basement
For a month or so.

Ninth ex-wife,
Tenth ex-wife,
Eleventh ex-wife:
All lesbian.

Twelve was little and petite
Then she gained 200 pounds
Because she loved to eat:
A gargantuan!

Thirteen was deaf
And although very smart
She would never believe me:
Church is not the place to fart.

Fifteen was a bit eccentric
She painted lots of art
It really freaked me out
Lots of pics with me stabbed in the heart.

Sixteenth ex-wife,
Seventeenth ex-wife,
Eighteenth ex-wife:
All forgotten.

Nineteenth ex-wife,
Twentieth ex-wife,
Twenty-first ex-wife:
Completely rotten.

Twenty-two was perfect
Whether in the sunshine or the rain
A very pretty girl and smart, too
Until she stood in front of a train.

Why can't I find a girl that's as good at relationships as I am?

Romantic Relationships

Indisputable facts:

• Chicks dig me
• Relationships are stupid

Here's my issue. Chicks expect ridiculous things that are never ever going to happen. Emotionally she wants him to provide her with happiness, self-confidence, and love. Financially she wants him to provide income and stability. She wants him to fit in seamlessly with her family and give her babies (but when it hurts, he's an evil so-and-so for that one!). He should bring excitement and adventure, but not at the cost of anxiety of any kind. Some of those expectations seem reasonable, but some of them (especially the emotional ones) are simply not possible.

So, here's the question of the day: Are happy romantic relationships the exclusive domain of young airheads?

Also, see:
Deep Thoughts on Relationships (Based on the Bible)
Never Been in Love, Don't Know What It Is
Relationships are like...

Friendship First

Friendship First (noun). 1. (when used by a woman) an attempt to live down one's reputation as a total slut. 2. (when used by a man) an attempt to reduce a potential partner's inhibitions to eventually making out.

Average-looking forty-ish single white male seeks open-minded female for friendship first, maybe more.

Reality

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
-Abraham Lincoln

Forty-ish

Forty-ish (adjective). 1. Approximately forty. 2. (when used by a woman in a personals ad) Forty-nine. 3. (when used by a man in a personals ad) Fifty-two, but would like to date someone who is twenty-five.

Average-looking forty-ish single white male seeks open-minded female for friendship first, maybe more.

Minnesota Vikings

"You can't blame God for Vikings fans. That's the devil's work."

Eleven Minutes

From the inbox...

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

Bargain Shopping

Bargain shopping (verb). Dating someone who is unattractive or lacks some desirable qualities in hopes of finding a person who is of a higher overall quality.

I know she has bad teeth, but I thought I might go bargain shopping with her--she seems like a really nice girl.

Have you ever been bargain shopping?

The End.

"...and live happily ever after. For a few months."

Kerry Wood!?

Umfriend

Umfriend (noun). In a poorly defined relationship, a person who may think that she is your girlfriend but is not; especially a girlfriend who has been demoted. Typically used during awkward introductions, followed by puzzled expressions and/or explosive behavior.

"This is my umfriend, Jill."

Tech Support Prayer

"Dear Lord, please grant me the ability to punch people in the face over standard TCP/IP."

Atextual

Atextual (noun) . A person who does not respond to text messages.

You can text Mike night and day, but he is atextual, so you will not get a response.

Searching...

From the inbox...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter,' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, 'ME.'

Thanks, Angela!

Ugly

Theory:
Maybe one percent of the population is actually attractive. The rest of you are, quite simply, not. A person can be ugly on the inside or on the outside. If you are ugly on the outside, there's nothing you can do about that. No matter what you do, you'll be ugly on the outside. Most attractive people are ugly on the inside. We know that we are attractive, and we become arrogant, and our arrogance is ugly.


Do you agree?

Worst Driving Habits EVER (Addendum)

Performance Anxiety: The Stop Light

How could I forget this one? You're sitting at a green light in the turn lane, and the person in front of you is waiting for oncoming traffic so they can turn left--but the genius won't pull forward far enough so you can get into the intersection. What a worthless pile of ca-ca.

Move your back end far enough forward that I can get out in the intersection. That way, when the light turns red and you are still sitting here waiting for the Cubs to win the World Series, and everybody stops, you and I are out in the intersection and everyone will wait for us to go on our merry way. When you fail to do this, my three-year-old son gets out the sniper rifle. He's pretty good.

I'm not kidding.

Worst Driving Habits EVER

Yield/Don't Yield

Have you ever seen this? One vehicle is merging into traffic off a ramp, and essentially wants to drive on the same piece of asphalt as another vehicle, but the second vehicle can't move out of the way because of the other traffic. The first vehicle starts to slow down to let the second vehicle ahead, but then he notices that the second vehicle is doing the same thing. Then both speed up. Then both slow down.

Do not do this.

The vehicle on the ramp is supposed to yield to the other traffic. If you can get over for the guy, by all means, do it. If not--no worries. Let the other guy deal with it. This is how it works. Any attempts to go the extra mile to be nice only makes you unworthy of the prestigious license you carry in your wallet. And, by that I mean you suck.


Leaving the Turn Signal On

You've seen the people that drive down the highway for three hours with their turn signal on the whole time. I hate that. I think all cars should automatically turn ninety degrees in the direction of the turn signal if it has been left on for longer than two minutes. My mom says it would be unsafe if that were the case, because people would crash off the side of the Interstate at high rates of speed. I completely agree.


Not Using the Turn Signal

You've bought a brand-new car that costs more than what I'll make this year. It has power locks, power windows, an MP3 player with surround sound, heated leather seats, and a power moon roof. It goes from zero to sixty in 3.2 seconds and handles curves like nobody's business. Why doesn't the dang thing have turn signals?


Curb Right for Sirens and Lights

I am all for giving the right-of-way to emergency vehicles. What I have a problem with is when people stop (sometimes even pulling towards the right!) for an emergency vehicle going the other way when there's a median between our lane and theirs. I have never seen an ambulance jump a curb into oncoming traffic to get where they are going. You haven't either. That's because they want to get to the scene--not make one. It just isn't going to happen. It makes no difference to that ambulance if the opposing lanes are full of traffic going eighty miles an hour, completely empty, or if there's a giant tug boat docked across three lanes of traffic. So, drive, dang it!


Obey the Speed Limit

I don't advocate breaking the law. (That may not be entirely true, but for the purposes of this discussion, I'll say that I don't advocate breaking the law.) Go the speed listed as the speed limit. If you go faster, the traffic cops will give you a ticket. Dang it, though, if you don't go at least that fast, somebody is going to push you until you do (physically, if necessary).


Leave Your Golf Cart at Home (or on the Golf Course)

Your golf cart, motorized wheelchair, scooter, blowup doll, or other non-traditional form of transportation is not street legal. Even if you aren't on the street, if you are affecting traffic, you are going to get yourself killed. There might even be an accident. To quote Zombie Logic, "Ninety nine point nine nine percent of the time stupidity has no consequences... but once in a while Death isn't too busy to respond to a request for early termination."

... or Don't

This is a follow up to yesterday's blog.

Or, don't do the right thing. Why bother?

Spend the rest of your life wondering about if you had how things would have turned out differently. Blame other people for not doing the right thing instead of admitting that you set yourself up by not doing the right thing. Try to derive enjoyment from the money.

Good luck with all that.

Just Do It

Every once in a while, I write a blog and pray to God that the people I am talking about either don't read it or don't catch that I am talking about them. For the most part, I don't have the answers--I just have opinions. When I blog about those opinions, I'm not trying to attack the people that disagree or make anybody feel bad, I just want to express my view.

This blog, I want to openly proclaim, this blog is about you.

Do the right thing. Do what's right for yourself and your family. Do what's right for your community. Do what's right for humanity. I know you have problems in your life. I know the situation isn't ideal, and doing what's right isn't the easiest choice. Just do it.

It may cost you some dollars. You may pay for it for the rest of your life. Just do it.

It may not make sense to those around you. You may lose some friends, and it may stand in the way of friendships that you could have had. Just do it.

Maybe no one would know if you didn't, and maybe no one will know if you did. Just do it.

When you're old and gray, you wouldn't (and didn't) sell your clear conscience for any amount. No so-called friends stood between you and standing up for what is right, and just, and good. You may not end up with as many friends as you would have liked, but you'll have the best friends on earth--the kind worth having. It may not have bought you recognition, acceptance, or fame, but when you look in the mirror you'll be able to recognize the face that stares back at you, and you'll be able to love and respect that person, even if no one else does. Fame never provided that.

So just do it.

Do I Have Swine Flu?

I haven't been feeling particularly well today. Of course, with all the attention it has been receiving in the news, I had to consider the possibility of swine flu. I did some in-depth research on swine flu and its symptoms and developed a simple and fool-proof test. Simply click on the link below to find out if you have the swine flu.

Do I Have Swine Flu?

Never Been in Love, Don't Know What It Is

I recently found myself in a stupor listening to some crappy song on the radio. The part I caught said, "never been in love" and "don't know what it is." I googled and found this song "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. It must be the one:

Jane says
I've never been in love - no
She don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her
I only want 'em if they want me...
I only know they want me...

Later, when I emerged from the non-cognitive haze, I began to think about that--a dangerous place to be, by the way. Have I ever been in love? Do I know what it is? I'm not so sure.

Remember Sleepless in Seattle? Horrible movie. These rejects feel irresistibly drawn to one another from across the country. Have you ever experienced that kind of love? I haven't.

What about Hitch? At the end, Hitch chases Sara to profess his undying love for her, making a pathetic spectacle of himself. He spits out this classic line of insanity:

Because thats what people do... they leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock... wondering the whole way down..."why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am Sara, falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

Did you ever think someone could make you fly? I haven't.

Or, An Affair to Remember. Have you ever been so in love with a person that you wouldn't notice that she lost the ability to walk? Was there ever anyone that I would restore an old house to her desires, not even knowing if she loved me, like in The Notebook? Anyone that I want to spend my afterlife stalking, like in Ghost? I know, let's get married and jump into a volcano together, like Joe Versus the Volcano! Are you on crack?

If any of this has anything to do with love, I'd rather pass. This crap is insane.

I refer you to Saint Augustine:

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Never Been in Love. Don't Know What It Is.