A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'Thanks, Steve!
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Kiss A Nun
From the inbox...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Hijack This!
This is a choose your own adventure blog.
FoxNews reports that the FAA violated its own rules by taking more than forty minutes to notify the military that they had lost contact with an airplane last week.
Choose your blog:
1. What is the government's take on all this?
2. What is Mike's take on all this?
What is the government's take on all this?
Dangit! Stupid idiots at the FAA. That plane should have been shot down! Who cares if there were a couple hundred people on board? What difference does it make that there was absolutely no foul play involved? We have procedures, and in the United States of America, we shoot down planes that don't talk to us when we talk to them. What. The. Crap.
What is Mike's take on all this?
No one should have to notify anyone about any plane anywhere losing contact with the ground. No terrorist is ever going to use a plane as a weapon in America ever again. Why? Because we already know that trick, that's why. Try to hijack a plane. Just try it. Before you can march your stupid terrorist butt into the cockpit, every person on that plane is going to be on you like Keira Knightley on yours truly. You are going to get the snot beat out of you. You might get lucky enough to crash the plane into a field in Pennsylvania--but you're going to have to be real good to even pull that one off.
We could hand out box cutters at the the terminal and we'd never see another hijacked plane crashing into a building. The whole thing is ridiculous. Besides, the plane was flying over Wisconsin. What kind of target could possibly be involved? A cheese factory? Give me a break.
FoxNews reports that the FAA violated its own rules by taking more than forty minutes to notify the military that they had lost contact with an airplane last week.
Choose your blog:
1. What is the government's take on all this?
2. What is Mike's take on all this?
What is the government's take on all this?
Dangit! Stupid idiots at the FAA. That plane should have been shot down! Who cares if there were a couple hundred people on board? What difference does it make that there was absolutely no foul play involved? We have procedures, and in the United States of America, we shoot down planes that don't talk to us when we talk to them. What. The. Crap.
What is Mike's take on all this?
No one should have to notify anyone about any plane anywhere losing contact with the ground. No terrorist is ever going to use a plane as a weapon in America ever again. Why? Because we already know that trick, that's why. Try to hijack a plane. Just try it. Before you can march your stupid terrorist butt into the cockpit, every person on that plane is going to be on you like Keira Knightley on yours truly. You are going to get the snot beat out of you. You might get lucky enough to crash the plane into a field in Pennsylvania--but you're going to have to be real good to even pull that one off.
We could hand out box cutters at the the terminal and we'd never see another hijacked plane crashing into a building. The whole thing is ridiculous. Besides, the plane was flying over Wisconsin. What kind of target could possibly be involved? A cheese factory? Give me a break.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Chicken Egg Vaccines
ABC News asks, Are Chicken Eggs the Best Way to Make the Swine Flu Vaccine?
Of course not. What kind of ridiculous question is that? Last I checked, this was America. We aren't even sure chicken eggs are the best way to make chickens.
In America, we would rather write with a multi-million dollar space pen than to simply write with a pencil. Why? Because we're American! What do we look like? A bunch of Russians? We aren't writing with a stupid pencil!
Let's get back the swine flu vaccine. Well, look, if you want to go all Russian on me, and go with the easy obvious answer, then no, chicken eggs are not the best. Your immune system is the best. Sure, some people don't have a good enough immune system to battle a virus like H1N1. I understand that. Guess what. Those people are going to die either way.
This is America, though, not Russia. So, no, chicken eggs are not the best. If we're going to make some completely unnecessary vaccine for some stupid three-quarters imaginary illness like the swine flu, we ought to do it right. You know, in one-use test tubes inside some giant specialized refrigerator that costs more than the national budget of Portugal, under the direction of a team of fifteen highly-educated clinical minds that have all earned their doctorates whose job it is to check continually the progress of a process that they know for a fact is going to take at least five months while dressed in sanitary scrubs and funny-looking plastic bags on their heads so they do not accidentally drop a hair into our unnecessary vaccine and vaccinate us from both swine flu and over-educated scientists.
To learn more about your risk of catching swine flu, click here.
Of course not. What kind of ridiculous question is that? Last I checked, this was America. We aren't even sure chicken eggs are the best way to make chickens.
In America, we would rather write with a multi-million dollar space pen than to simply write with a pencil. Why? Because we're American! What do we look like? A bunch of Russians? We aren't writing with a stupid pencil!
This is America, though, not Russia. So, no, chicken eggs are not the best. If we're going to make some completely unnecessary vaccine for some stupid three-quarters imaginary illness like the swine flu, we ought to do it right. You know, in one-use test tubes inside some giant specialized refrigerator that costs more than the national budget of Portugal, under the direction of a team of fifteen highly-educated clinical minds that have all earned their doctorates whose job it is to check continually the progress of a process that they know for a fact is going to take at least five months while dressed in sanitary scrubs and funny-looking plastic bags on their heads so they do not accidentally drop a hair into our unnecessary vaccine and vaccinate us from both swine flu and over-educated scientists.
To learn more about your risk of catching swine flu, click here.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Bill of Rights
In high school, we had to pass a test on the U.S. Constitution to graduate. That meant that we took the time in one of our social studies classes to read the Constitution and talk about what it means. Of course, we were taught all wrong. I want to talk about the Bill of Rights, because that's where we were really misled.
Article I: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
This article means:
Article II: A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
This means that the government can form a military to control all persons on the face of the planet. Also, if you can figure out how to do it, you may receive an arm transplant from a grizzly bear without fear of the government. You may not, under any circumstance, own or carry a weapon. This includes finger nail clippers.
Article III: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Article III assures you that you maintain control over your private property. That property is yours, and the government does not have the right to use it or take it from you without your permission. That is, of course, unless they want to.
Article IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
The government may not conduct a search or seizure of your person or anything you own, unless they say the magic words: probable cause. No one has to actually prove probable cause, or even have probable cause. Basically, if they say they have probable cause, you are screwed.
Article V: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.
This article is no longer valid. It was repealed by the word "terrorist."
Article VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Before they put you in jail for any alleged crime, you have the right to a trial. The government will be represented by a legal team with limitless funds in the pursuit of your conviction. You will be represented by whatever lawyer you can find, else the lawyer the government chooses to give you.
Article VII: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
If you are taken to court, and there is more than $20 at stake, you have the right to have the case examined by a jury full of people that are too dumb to get out of jury duty.
Article VIII: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
This means that the government can fine you all they want for any ridiculous charge they can come up with, but even the most vile offenders will not receive a punishment more harsh than watching cable TV from inside locked doors.
Article IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
You only have the rights the government says you have, and usually not even those.
Article X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Nobody has any rights unless the federal government gives them to you.
Perhaps some of you think I have misunderstood the Bill of Rights. Maybe you think that the Bill of Rights extends to you much greater freedom than what I have indicated above. You probably think that I have a lot of these completely wrong. In fact, reading these articles in plain English, the intent is clear, you say.
Wrong.
First of all, you have to remember that this document was written like a thousand years ago or something. They used words completely differently than we did. For example, "bear" to them always meant the animal that lives in the forest--it never meant "possess." Therefore, just because the Bill of Rights says something, that doesn't mean that's what it means.
Secondly, the authors wrote the Bill of Rights with a number of assumptions. For example, when they said the government would not restrict free speech, it was assumed that no one would disagree with the government. Again, just because you think the Bill of Rights offers you some sort of freedom, this cannot be assumed.
The best thing to do, then, is to let the government tell you what you can and cannot do. As a general guide, let me tell you what the government would have you do:
Article I: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
This article means:
- you can freely exercise your religion of choice (unless it is Christianity).
- you have the right to say or write whatever the government approves. For matters that the government is unconcerned with, you have free license to say whatever you want, unless it is true (we call that slander).
- you have the right to peaceably assemble, so long as the government has granted you a permit.
- you may petition the Government, but then they will know who you are. Do this at your own risk.
Article II: A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
This means that the government can form a military to control all persons on the face of the planet. Also, if you can figure out how to do it, you may receive an arm transplant from a grizzly bear without fear of the government. You may not, under any circumstance, own or carry a weapon. This includes finger nail clippers.
Article III: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Article III assures you that you maintain control over your private property. That property is yours, and the government does not have the right to use it or take it from you without your permission. That is, of course, unless they want to.
Article IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
The government may not conduct a search or seizure of your person or anything you own, unless they say the magic words: probable cause. No one has to actually prove probable cause, or even have probable cause. Basically, if they say they have probable cause, you are screwed.
Article V: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.
This article is no longer valid. It was repealed by the word "terrorist."
Article VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Before they put you in jail for any alleged crime, you have the right to a trial. The government will be represented by a legal team with limitless funds in the pursuit of your conviction. You will be represented by whatever lawyer you can find, else the lawyer the government chooses to give you.
Article VII: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
If you are taken to court, and there is more than $20 at stake, you have the right to have the case examined by a jury full of people that are too dumb to get out of jury duty.
Article VIII: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
This means that the government can fine you all they want for any ridiculous charge they can come up with, but even the most vile offenders will not receive a punishment more harsh than watching cable TV from inside locked doors.
Article IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
You only have the rights the government says you have, and usually not even those.
Article X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Nobody has any rights unless the federal government gives them to you.
Perhaps some of you think I have misunderstood the Bill of Rights. Maybe you think that the Bill of Rights extends to you much greater freedom than what I have indicated above. You probably think that I have a lot of these completely wrong. In fact, reading these articles in plain English, the intent is clear, you say.
Wrong.
First of all, you have to remember that this document was written like a thousand years ago or something. They used words completely differently than we did. For example, "bear" to them always meant the animal that lives in the forest--it never meant "possess." Therefore, just because the Bill of Rights says something, that doesn't mean that's what it means.
Secondly, the authors wrote the Bill of Rights with a number of assumptions. For example, when they said the government would not restrict free speech, it was assumed that no one would disagree with the government. Again, just because you think the Bill of Rights offers you some sort of freedom, this cannot be assumed.
The best thing to do, then, is to let the government tell you what you can and cannot do. As a general guide, let me tell you what the government would have you do:
- Go to work and make as much money as you can. This money will be confiscated for the greater good. If you do not want to go to work, that is fine. In that case, you should depend wholly on the government for all of your needs.
- Spend whatever money that may be available to you, and more. Staggering personal debt is essential for the good of the economy and the benefit of the country.
- Fear. Statistically speaking, it is a near certainty that the person closest to you is either a terrorist or infected with the swine flu. Be very afraid. Only the government can protect you.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Put Me In, Coach!
Ryan Rosenbaum, a freshman from Southern Methodist University, is making headlines after scoring a goal from 95 yards out against #16 Tulsa. It was an impressive kick to be sure, although I think everybody recognizes that it was more luck than anything else.
In other news, Tulsa's goalkeeper, Andy Aguilar (yes, I called him out) is the worst goalkeeper in America.
In other news, Tulsa's goalkeeper, Andy Aguilar (yes, I called him out) is the worst goalkeeper in America.
Dear Coach McIntosh,
I just wanted to let you know that I am still eligible to play collegiate sports. My four-year-old nephew, who could also do a better job than your current goalkeeper, has all four years left. You should definitely recruit one of us, or heck, even Verne Troyer to help your team. You were ranked #16--you must have a good team. Just imagine if the guy that's allowed to use his hands were any good at it! Think about it.
Love,
mike
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sequels We Need
It seems like there is always another sequel coming out.
That is just the way we work now, I guess. Look at J.K. Rowling. She's the richest author of all time. She didn't write the first Harry Potter and wait to see if it was successful before she wrote another. No, she started with a plan: seven books. Seven!
This has been the case for a long time, though, I guess. After all, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle grew to hate his character Sherlock Holmes, and finally killed him in a story. Public demand for sequels was so high, though, that he was forced to resurrect Holmes and write more stories.
I was thinking this morning, what sequels do we need? I came up with a few; I'd love to hear your suggestions.
Rockin' Rocky Balboa
After a frightening fall in his home, Rocky's family places him into a nursing home. Now, Rocky must train intensely for his next fight: against the entire staff at Bellwood Nursing Home.
Harry Potter: Year 22
Fifteen years after their time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry and Ron face a new adventure. Harry's wife Ginny has gotten fat after childbirth. Hermione has left Ron for a powerful wizard with an actual numerical IQ, leaving him not only lonely but also severely depressed. The friends must work together to overcome the most frightening nemesis the wizarding world has ever faced: ED.
Lethal Weapon 5
Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, and Chris Rock reprive their roles as totally awesome bad-guy killers that carry a badge, but now they have moved to Rockford, Illinois. This time, they combat unarmed men hiding in church daycare centers. In a bit of irony, Richard Donner asks the Reverend Jesse Jackson to assist with directing in the first film in the series to include a black criminal.
It bears mentioning that someone tried to put together a Lethal Weapon 5, but Mel Gibson killed the project.
Entrapment 2
It would need a new title, for sure, since there would be no entrapment involved, but I love Sean Connery, especially in the role of the guy outside the law that you still like and cheer for. Of course, I am always in favor of seeing more Catherine Zeta-Jones. Pairing her in a movie with someone as old as Connery also makes her real-life marriage look a little less weird, and she needs all the help she can get.
The Notebook 2
The same old man reading to another old lady. In the first movie, he was reading to his wife. This time, it's his mistress! "I've loved the same woman for twenty years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!"
What would you like to see?
That is just the way we work now, I guess. Look at J.K. Rowling. She's the richest author of all time. She didn't write the first Harry Potter and wait to see if it was successful before she wrote another. No, she started with a plan: seven books. Seven!
This has been the case for a long time, though, I guess. After all, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle grew to hate his character Sherlock Holmes, and finally killed him in a story. Public demand for sequels was so high, though, that he was forced to resurrect Holmes and write more stories.
I was thinking this morning, what sequels do we need? I came up with a few; I'd love to hear your suggestions.
Rockin' Rocky Balboa
After a frightening fall in his home, Rocky's family places him into a nursing home. Now, Rocky must train intensely for his next fight: against the entire staff at Bellwood Nursing Home.
Harry Potter: Year 22
Fifteen years after their time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry and Ron face a new adventure. Harry's wife Ginny has gotten fat after childbirth. Hermione has left Ron for a powerful wizard with an actual numerical IQ, leaving him not only lonely but also severely depressed. The friends must work together to overcome the most frightening nemesis the wizarding world has ever faced: ED.
Lethal Weapon 5
Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, and Chris Rock reprive their roles as totally awesome bad-guy killers that carry a badge, but now they have moved to Rockford, Illinois. This time, they combat unarmed men hiding in church daycare centers. In a bit of irony, Richard Donner asks the Reverend Jesse Jackson to assist with directing in the first film in the series to include a black criminal.
It bears mentioning that someone tried to put together a Lethal Weapon 5, but Mel Gibson killed the project.
Entrapment 2
It would need a new title, for sure, since there would be no entrapment involved, but I love Sean Connery, especially in the role of the guy outside the law that you still like and cheer for. Of course, I am always in favor of seeing more Catherine Zeta-Jones. Pairing her in a movie with someone as old as Connery also makes her real-life marriage look a little less weird, and she needs all the help she can get.
The Notebook 2
The same old man reading to another old lady. In the first movie, he was reading to his wife. This time, it's his mistress! "I've loved the same woman for twenty years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!"
What would you like to see?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Does This Really Matter?
Okay, so, before the Minnesota-Penn State game, a Penn State player kneels to pray and the Minnesota mascot kneels, too. People are making it out like the mascot is mocking the prayer, but that seems like an assumption if you watch the video.
Read the FoxSports article.
Watch the YouTube video.
Really? Is that a big deal?
Read the FoxSports article.
Watch the YouTube video.
Really? Is that a big deal?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Correlation?
I'm wondering, what (if any) is the correlation between the divorce rate and the increasing level of obesity in the United States?
Nobody wants a fat wife, do they?
Theory (not a Mike original):
Why are married women fatter than single women? Because single women come in, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed, whereas married women come in, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Thoughts?
Nobody wants a fat wife, do they?
Theory (not a Mike original):
Why are married women fatter than single women? Because single women come in, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed, whereas married women come in, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Thoughts?
Give It Up
How do you know it is time that you give up driving so that you can drink more effectively? When you get three DUI's in three weeks.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568624,00.html
Word.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568624,00.html
Word.
Monday, October 19, 2009
What Would Jesus Do?
Sometimes I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" But then I tell myself, "He's a million billion trillion times better than you. Jesus can cure a leper. I can't cure the flu."
Bummer.
Special thanks to the Axis of Awesome.
Bummer.
Special thanks to the Axis of Awesome.
Driving Skills
I never thought he was a terrible driver. I think that is a definite overstatement. In fact, I didn't think he was bad at all. But then, I did have dreams about dying in the car when he was driving, so maybe there is something to be said there.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
You Had A Bad Day
These three guys had a worse day than I did:
http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/10239148/Three-men-die-competing-in-Detroit-marathon
http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/10239148/Three-men-die-competing-in-Detroit-marathon
Rebel Without a Cause
"I think, if you see a rebel flag, you should be allowed to shoot on sight. If they don't know the war is over and they lost, then neither do I."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Know what this is?
One afternoon, Jenny Kellner, then of the New York Daily News, was covering the Jets. She entered the locker room only to find one of the team's stars buck naked. He walked up to her, pointed to his babymaker and said, "Hey, Jenny, do you know what this is?"
"Well," Kellner answered, with perfect aplomb, "it looks like a penis. Only smaller."
Rick Reilly
Life of Reilly
ESPN The Magazine
Reilly reports that guys with class don't interview naked, including "Michael Jordan (who wouldn't even come to his locker until his tie was knotted)." But, you know, Reilly was talking about some guy from the Jets. Probably Favre.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Making a Difference
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem."
- Ronald Reagan
- Ronald Reagan
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
You're Not Getting Any Younger
I want you to know how much I enjoy spending time with you. I think it is amazing how much we have in common and how well we get along! A guy couldn't ask for anything more. I just realized, though, that you're actually kind of old. So, that concert I said I was going to take you to next week? Yeah, I don't think I'm going.
I Hate the Video Medium
In a startling turn of events, I have decided that I hate the video medium. This is especially startling for a guy who wants to have his own television show.
I have wanted to have my own television show because I like to make people laugh, and video is a great way to achieve this. If you haven't seen the Olivet Beer Pong video, Bo Burnham's "Perfect Woman" video, or the top ten Michael Jordan dunks of all time, I'm not sure you've ever really lived! And you can do some fun stuff with video. Thanks to geniuses in the industry, if you can imagine it you can put it on video (if the budget is big enough, anyway).
So why the change of heart? Because you people have destroyed the medium, that's why.
I have wanted to have my own television show because I like to make people laugh, and video is a great way to achieve this. If you haven't seen the Olivet Beer Pong video, Bo Burnham's "Perfect Woman" video, or the top ten Michael Jordan dunks of all time, I'm not sure you've ever really lived! And you can do some fun stuff with video. Thanks to geniuses in the industry, if you can imagine it you can put it on video (if the budget is big enough, anyway).
So why the change of heart? Because you people have destroyed the medium, that's why.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
That's Confidence!
FoxSports.com seems to be pretty confident of who will win the Patriots-Broncos game on Sunday. Do you see what I see?
It says, "Broncos (4-1)." The Broncos are actually 4-0, but apparently they'll be 4-1 after this week's game against the Patriots. Thus saith Zoaster--er, FoxSports.
It says, "Broncos (4-1)." The Broncos are actually 4-0, but apparently they'll be 4-1 after this week's game against the Patriots. Thus saith Zoaster--er, FoxSports.
She's Retarded
"And, of course, here you go: I still love her. But she's retarded, too."
- Guy Ritchie on Madonna
- Guy Ritchie on Madonna
Thursday, October 8, 2009
What?
What does that have to do with the crime rate in Punxsutawney on the third Thursday following the second consecutive year in which Phil discovers a sunny sky after rising from his hibernation if it happens to rain that day in Albuquerque?
- deleted from my latest comments in my online class
- deleted from my latest comments in my online class
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Great Minds Think Alike
"Today, I called myself in sick to school to go to a rock concert. When I got there I found out that both my principal and my physics teacher had called into school sick also to go to the same concert. We high fived."
MyLifeIsAverage.com
MyLifeIsAverage.com
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Logorrhea
Logorrhea (noun). 1. pathologically incoherent, repetitious speech. 2. incessant or compulsive talkativeness; wearisome volubility.
No, we don't have anyone in our class with logorrhea. Well, that's a lie, but I'm trying to be nice!
No, we don't have anyone in our class with logorrhea. Well, that's a lie, but I'm trying to be nice!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Walrus Sounds
When my daughter was a toddler, I asked her what sound a cat makes. She said meow. I asked what sound a cow makes. She said moo. Then, to fool her, I asked what sound a walrus makes. She replied with "Ku Ku Kachoo."
Coolest. Kid. Ever.
Coolest. Kid. Ever.
Pants
Pants
- (noun). 1. Trousers. 2. Authority (i.e. "he wears the pants"). 3. a throb or heave, as of the breast.
- (verb). 1. To breathe hard and quickly. 2. To gasp, as for air. 3. To long with breathless or intense eagerness. 4. to throb or heave violently or rapidly; palpitate.
Her pants began at the thought of him taking off his pants. When he actually did so, her pants, pants, and pants began: three different things. She had clearly given him the pants.
- (noun). 1. Trousers. 2. Authority (i.e. "he wears the pants"). 3. a throb or heave, as of the breast.
- (verb). 1. To breathe hard and quickly. 2. To gasp, as for air. 3. To long with breathless or intense eagerness. 4. to throb or heave violently or rapidly; palpitate.
Her pants began at the thought of him taking off his pants. When he actually did so, her pants, pants, and pants began: three different things. She had clearly given him the pants.
Not About You
"People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance."
- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Score
Jon 1
Kate 0
I'm keeping track of how many times Jon and Kate do what's right for their children. Jon has pulled the plug on TLC's stupid show. Way to go, Jon. Now, go get another mistress or whatever it is you do.
Kate 0
I'm keeping track of how many times Jon and Kate do what's right for their children. Jon has pulled the plug on TLC's stupid show. Way to go, Jon. Now, go get another mistress or whatever it is you do.
Tony Romo Makes Me Laugh
Tony Romo makes me laugh. (To be fair, almost anything does, especially Kerry Wood.) 
Fox Sports has an online poll that asks, "What's in Tony Romo's future?" At the time I voted, 24% said "a playoff win" and 12% (all Cowboy fans, I'm sure) said "a Super Bowl win."
The remaining 64% of us said, "Another B-list girlfriend."
Fox Sports has an online poll that asks, "What's in Tony Romo's future?" At the time I voted, 24% said "a playoff win" and 12% (all Cowboy fans, I'm sure) said "a Super Bowl win."The remaining 64% of us said, "Another B-list girlfriend."
Bovicide
Bovicide (noun). The killing of a cow.
And we thank you, dear Lord, for the bovicide that gave us these delicious cheeseburgers, and the fact that Rosie O'Donnell didn't get a chance to eat it before we could. We pray for Rosie's continued safety, and that she not be the victim of bovicide.
And we thank you, dear Lord, for the bovicide that gave us these delicious cheeseburgers, and the fact that Rosie O'Donnell didn't get a chance to eat it before we could. We pray for Rosie's continued safety, and that she not be the victim of bovicide.
Dear Miss Wormwood...
Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security.
Sincerely,
The President of the United States
P.S. Really.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Sincerely,
The President of the United States
P.S. Really.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
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