Real Life

I've been going through a lot of magazines lately.  I'm talking about picking up a magazine, starting at the front cover, reading everything I want to read, and throwing it away when I'm done.  I'm talking about ten magazines in my trash can right now.  Those magazines are Entrepreneur, Fast Company, and ESPN The Magazine.

I believe it was in Fast Company, but maybe it was Entrepreneur, there was an article in which the author describes the "rich" experience we create with one another on social networking sites.  He talked about how we share our lives with one another by our tweets, status updates, and photo sharing.

Compare this perspective with the one shared in ESPN's June article, "Do Hard Things" featuring Zac Sunderland.  On July 16, 2009, Sunderland made history when he completed his circumnavigation of the globe solo at the age of 17.  I'm not sure the feat itself was anything brilliant, but I admire this guy's pursuit of living. 

I may be obsessed with the water, but I digress.

It's quite a contrast, though.  One camp feels that they are part of a rich experience because they participate in social media sites.  On the other side, real life is defined by doing extraordinary, "hard" things.

How are you living?  Do you have a rich experience because you share every boring detail of your boring pointless life on social media sites?  Are you doing something with your life?  Do you do hard things?

Five Things That Make Me Weird

I have been thinking lately about how different I feel from those that are around me.  To me, my traits are perfectly normal.  However, I imagine that to everyone else I am very, very weird.  So just for some fun, here are five traits that I think are normal, but judging by those around me, they are very rare indeed.


I Proofread

I usually use programs that automatically underscore spelling errors.  I have no idea why, but when I see these errors being underlined, I actually go back and fix them.  In addition to that, I am generally able to distinguish between homophones and pseudo-homophones and successfully select the correct one.  To my knowledge, I have never written "his" when I meant "he's."

I also check for grammatical errors, and generally correct these as well.  Perhaps the most bizarre of all my traits: I actually know the rules of grammar in my native tongue.  It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition.  I doubt if there are more than seven people within one hundred miles of me that understand this concept.


I Drive With Purpose

For some reason, when I drive I actually intend to reach some destination.  It has been said that it's not the destination; it's the journey.  This may be true, but the journey is a waste of gasoline if there is no destination.  I do very odd things when I am driving.  For example, when I am at a traffic light, when it changes from red to green, I immediately drive my car forwards.  I do not remain stopped to admire the lovely green shade, as so many others do.  Perhaps I have lost my child-like awe of the world around me.


I Do Not Consider Others a Part of Myself

I cannot really explain how this has happened to me, but I have not managed to confuse my personal identity with that of others.  I do not care to psychoanalyze the reasons for it, but if someone asks for a photo of me, I would not give them a photo of me and my best friend, me and my brothers, me and my girlfriend, or me and my dog.  Ridiculous as it is, I insist on believing that my friends and family are actually other people, not merely extensions of myself.  Furthermore, if you ask me what I am doing this weekend, I will not be starting my response with the pronoun "we."  Instead, I will select the pronoun "I."


I Think Fat Makes Us Fat

Does this haircut make me look fat?  Does this outfit make me look fat?  No, dear, your fat makes you look fat--or at least that's the opinion of this particular guy.  Furthermore, having a distinguishing amount of fat makes one a fat person.  Certainly, there are levels of fatness in my mind.  From just fat to as fat as fat gets, there's fat, pretty fat, really fat, ridiculously fat and disgustingly fat.  In my mind, being fat occurs when one could be described as carrying more weight than is healthy or is expected for a person who is healthy.  This is wrong.  I live in America.  One is not fat until they reach the level I would describe as "really fat" (according to everyone but me).

For clarification, here are the terms I would use, verses the terms a normal person would use:
fat = thin
pretty fat = normal
really fat = pudgy
ridiculously fat = fat
disgustingly fat = fat, even for a fat person

Here is how I use those terms:
Fat: You are carrying some extra weight.  If you wanted to look like Bob from "Biggest Loser" you could do it if you used a treadmill while watching "Biggest Loser."
Pretty fat: The extra weight you are carrying is making your clothes tight.  If you wanted to look like Bob from "Biggest Loser" you could do it if you were on "Biggest Loser" for a season.
Really fat: You are carrying enough weight that you turn sideways to get out the door on your way to begin filming "Biggest Loser."

Ridiculously fat: You have your own gravitational pull.  Your car has damage to its exhaust system because it was crushed against the ground when you got in.  Fortunately, you weren't planning on going anywhere--you just wanted to park in the street.
Disgustingly fat: Your friends call you Grimace.  The rest of us call you Jabba the Hutt.


Now, just in case I got it wrong, here's how I believe the average American uses these terms.  Correct me if I'm wrong:
Thin: If you jump after getting out of the shower, the jiggling stops within 75 seconds.
Normal: If you jump after getting out of the shower, it wakes up everyone in the house.
Pudgy: If you jump after getting out of the shower, it's a miracle!
Fat: If you jump after getting out of the shower, your knees will shatter when you land.
Fat, even for a fat person: If you jump after getting out of the shower, you are going to fall through the floor and damage the foundation of your home.

This could have been a blog of its own!  The point is, I think we all need to eat fewer buckets of fried chicken.  I do not try to find clothes that will make me look thin, or get a haircut that will make my face look less round.  If I want to lose weight, I cut back on fat and exercise more.


If You Had Written This Blog, I Would Have Read It All And Left a Comment

Weirdo.

Cheering for Orton

When the Bears traded Kyle Orton, draft picks, and their souls to the Broncos for Gay Cutler, I didn't know what to think.  Unfortunately, I'm not nearly as much of a football guy as I would like.  I mostly want to watch guys hit hard and for my team to win.  In a way, I was mostly relieved that the Bears didn't trade Brian Urlacher, like some of the rumors claimed they would.

Even though it seemed wrong, I wanted the Bears to be right.  Like the vast majority of the Chicago sports media, I wanted Gay Cutler to be the player to put the Bears back into serious contention, even though he's a sniveling wuss that throws more INTs in the red zone than TDs.

I cheered for Cutler.  I hoped the Bears would do better than the Broncos, just to prove that the trade was a good one.  Even if they didn't go to the Super Bowl, maybe this trade would take the team one step closer.

I watched a video online of a short interview of Kyle Orton.  He talked about being happy to be on a team that wanted him.  What a girl.  Suddenly, I lost any internal conflict.  I cheered for the Bears.  I cheered for Gay Cutler.  I've laughed as the Broncos went from 6-0 to 6-3.

But, the Bears were wrong.  Cutler sucks.  Of all the quarterbacks that the Bears have had since Jim McMahon, Cutler is my least favorite.  Least.  Give me Rex Grossman.  Erik Kramer.  Jim Harbaugh.  Any of them would be better than Mr. Interception.  Statistically, he's nowhere near Kyle Orton, who was no prize.

It has become obvious that the Bears have a terrible front office.  I like Lovie Smith a lot.  I still want the bumper sticker that says "We Lovie the Bears," but I'm not sure he's the guy.  Until the front office changes, it will continue to be pain to be a Bears fan.  The quarterback position may or may not be solved--but it is definitely not the problem here.  The biggest problem is the front office.

To that end, I wish the best for Kyle Orton.  I hope he leads the Broncos to win the Super Bowl.

I still want the Bears to win--but if they don't score another point for the rest of the season, and it leads to a whole new front office and coaching staff, it would be worth it.  However, I'm diversifying my interests for the remainder of the season.

I'm cheering for the Broncos and Kyle Orton.  (See above.)

I'm cheering for the Colts.  Peyton Manning is the smartest, most effective quarterback I have ever seen.  No offense, Steve Young.  Manning and the Colts are a class-act.

I'm cheering for the Cardinals.  I love Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald.  Besides, their roots are in Chicago.  If they came back, I would change my loyalties altogether.

I'm cheering for the 49ers.  Mike Singletary is a childhood hero of mine, and his coaching matches his play.  The Bears should have hired him.  (I'm not saying his coaching is Hall of Fame quality, but it's tough, smart...crap like that.)

I'm cheering for the Texans.  Just because I like Texas.

Basically, I'm alright with anybody besides the Packers and their Judas.

I Have a Dream

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day I can install a new toilet in my house that uses about eight gallons of water to flush.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day I can get into my car and choose whether I want to wear my seat belt or not without fear of getting a ticket.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to decide for myself whether to allow people to smoke inside my business.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day people will regulate their own behavior by conscience and not by the demands of their government, and will not feel the need to regulate the behavior of their neighbor that has no impact on themselves.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

First Church of America

The Feds are trying to seize four mosques and some other crap.  Blah blah blah ties to Iran blah blah blah. 

The government is going to seize your neighbor's mosque first, and then they'll seize your church later.  Separation of what and what?

Dumb Idea

The US Postal Service is trying to figure out how they are going to keep their pants.  Right now, they are $7 Billion (emphasis on the B) in the hole. 

Check this out.

I have a dumb idea for them.  Instead of trying to compete with other businesses by selling greeting cards and other products, why not stick to what they've done for over two hundred years: deliver the mail. 

A.  The "profitable" services--packages that the sender wants to have reach the receiver before the receiver passes on typically get sent via another carrier.  You see, if you send a box via the US Postal Service, you honestly have no idea when it will get there.  So, if you care at all, you send it UPS or FedEx.

B.  Figure out what it costs to deliver the mail, and charge that.  It just may be that instead of paying 44 cents to mail a bill you may have to pay $4.  That's okay.  You know why?  Because the US Postal Service has legal protections to keep them from competition.  If the USPS charges $4 to mail a one-ounce letter, the other carriers are required by law to charge at least $7.  They have a protected market, plus, you have to pay your bill whether it costs 44 cents for $4.

You see, this is what every other business does.  The only time they don't charge more than what it costs for a product or service is when it's a "loss leader"--something that they can advertise to get you in the door, so that you'll buy something else while you are there.  First Class mail cannot be a loss leader--it's their bread and butter.

They could drop weekend delivery (at least without charging a serious surcharge) like the other carriers have, too.  Everybody knows that's a viable option, and it would save the Postal Service $3.5 Billion (again, with a B) per year by itself.  If only the stupid congress would allow it.

Flirting With the Daily Pineapple

I have questions.  Correction: I have a lot of questions.  They are the kind of questions that I know I am not supposed to ask.  Some of you will think that I should be rewarded for asking these questions by receiving a daily pineapple for eternity, if you know what that means (I find that most don't).

Please, don't think I am trying to change your opinion.  These are honest questions.

What is the difference between war and terrorism?

I remember after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, there was some discussion on this topic.  The voices that I heard at the time seemed to agree that terrorists attack civilian targets in order to create fear.  Honorable war practices involve attacking military targets, trying to prevent collateral damage. 

What are we doing in Iraq and Afghanistan?

We have thousands of our men and women in uniform over there fighting every day.  The casualties, for whatever reason, do not seem to be interesting enough to merit mention in the mainstream news, but they continue to mount.  Exactly who are we fighting against?  There isn't much in either country that could be described as a legitimate military--and whatever legitimate military there is are on our side.  If they aren't military, doesn't that make them civilians?  Crazy civilians, but civilians nonetheless.

I do not think that our military could be accurately described by anyone as terrorists.  Again, I ask, what is the difference between war and terrorism?  Is the difference solely the usefulness of the term for propaganda?

Is the shooter at Fort Hood a terrorist?

He fits the profile.  Shouting "Allahu Ackbar!" doesn't help his cause if he did not want to be seen as a terrorist.  Oh, and he tried to contact Al Qaeda shortly before his attack.  That sounds like a terrorist.  In his defense, he attacked a military base.  That sounds like war.  He seems to have acted alone, though.  That sounds like a lone wacko.

Aren't all the terrorists really just a bunch of wackos anyway?

There is nothing sane about terrorism anyway.  They fight a fight that everyone knows they can never win.  And supposedly they do it for the promise of seventy waiting virgins in heaven--except there is no claim that is going to happen in the Quran anywhere.  So, they are just wackos.  Just because they group together doesn't change that fact.  If they aren't lone wackos, they are groups of wackos.

Does fighting a fight you know you can never win make you a wacko?

If it does, doesn't that make us wackos, too?  The "war on terror" is just like the "war on drugs."  We can fight it all we want, but there is no way we can win either one. 

Who, exactly, is the enemy in the "war on terror"?

I know some people would say "Muslims."  I don't think that's fair.  I'm no Muslim, but I interact with Muslims regularly enough that I can say that Muslims are just like every other religious group: some of them are weird, but most of them are very nice people that I wouldn't have any qualms with sharing a pizza with.

Some people would say "Muslim extremists."  Who defines "extreme"?  No matter what your theology, there is always someone with a different theology who believes that yours is extreme.  That's how religion works.

Neither of those categories are sufficient, anyway.  What about Timothy McVeigh?  That guy was a terrorist if there ever was one.  It seems to me that the enemies are "wackos" plain and simple.  Our enemy is anybody who is crazy enough to think that they should go around killing people even if it results in their own death just because people disagree with them.

Where is the danger?

Remember the "shoe bomber"?  You know, the idiot that tried to blow up a plane by hiding explosives in his shoe?  He's the reason that you have to take off your shoes and do the semi-nude chicken dance before you're allowed on an airplane.  He was no threat.  He was a wacko, for sure, but he was too stupid to be a danger to anyone.  So, where is the danger?

I think the danger is with the "real" terrorists--the wackos who want to kill us for disagreeing with them and are capable of doing so.  Osama bin Laden, Timothy McVeigh, and Nidal Malik Hasan are the types of terrorists that are dangerous--not the shoe bombers of the world.

What makes some terrorists dangerous while others are not?

I see an obvious distinction between the dangerous terrorists--the ones worth thinking about and all others.  It seems to me that the distinction is that the dangerous ones are trained by the military--our military.  Our biggest threats are the ones that our government has developed!  Bin Laden, McVeigh, Hasan, and even Saddam Hussein were at one point our allies.  Our government created them.

Right now, our government is training thousands of soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Our military is training their entire armies.  What happens when the government loses control of them, the way they eventually lost control of these other guys?  Not all of them will become wackos, but some of them already are. 

Do we really need to worry about terrorism--or just our own government?

Just a few questions that crossed my mind today.

Optimism

"We're the best 4-3 team in league history!"

Someone I Know

I recently received a link with the note, "Sounds like someone you know."  Check this out.


The Surprising (and Deadly) Sex Dance of Spiders

Live Science
FoxNews

The person that sent me the link--totally right.  In fact, the story reminds me of a couple people that I know.  Ah, good times.

Just a Dream

I always set my alarm to wake me to the radio or to music.  Nothing puts me in a worse mood than waking up to some ridiculous beeping.  You know, unless you count the ex-wives or something, but I digress.  Today I woke up to R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion."  Specifically, I was awoken with the words, "That was just a dream."  Whoa.  Thanks for the clarification, R.E.M.

Speaking of dreams, Carrie Underwood is looking almost as good as Keira Knightley lately.  If only she were a pirate.

I could probably go either way on this one.  As always, your feedback is appreciated.

Toe Art

"You looked like you were drawing pictures in the carpet with your toes!"
 - Mancow Muller

Calm Down

Be calm, else you do something ridiculous. 


http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,571147,00.html

Good times.

Obama's Winnings

"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."
- Newt Gingrich

This Is Where I Live

This is where I live.

http://www.rrstar.com/news/x1717117681/Man-stabbed-in-neck-outside-of-bar

This guy was stabbed in the neck and in the spine by some crazy woman he doesn't even know.  This wasn't on the bad side of town.  There wasn't an altercation.  This is just what life is like in the Rock River Valley.