Predictions for 2011

As the end of the year quickly approaches, it seems like it's time for some predictions for 2011.

Brett Favre will stun the world by toying with the idea of retirement.  He will also stun the world by toying with the idea of returning for "one final season."  No one cares which he chooses, but everyone will laugh at his next "sexting" adventure.

Rumors will swirl that Joe "Joe Pa" Paterno will retire as the head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. He won't.

Phil Jackson will retire.  I give it two years.

Larry Brown will coach another team in the NBA, but will fired or quit before the season ends.

Jay Leno will tell a funny joke but no one will hear it.  It turns out there are good comedians on during the same time slot.

NBC will cancel all their good shows.  Wait.  Maybe they already did that.

Kanye West will say something completely asinine.

Iran will threaten war with the United States, as will North Korea.  Five million idiots in the United States will be deeply troubled.  The rest of us will recognize a pattern.

The National Enquirer will find Elvis Presley still living in western Montana.  It's the National Enquirer.

Republicans will declare that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be the Anti-Christ and Democrats will assert that Republicans will end Medicare.  They'll both be wrong.

Running Q & A

Q: If you are out running and your daughter calls, should you answer the phone?

A: I would.

Q: How much harder is it to run when you're holding the phone chatting away?

A: Quite a bit.

Q: How much will it slow you down to run while talking on the phone?

A: Quite a bit.

Q: Why do you run at night?

A: So that no one can see how slow I am.

Q: Is it safe to wear black when running at night?

A: That depends on if you want to be safe from being seen or safe from being hit by a car.

Q: Is it true that you run faster when you run in the cold in warm-weather cloths?

A: It is.

Q: How much faster should I expect to run when I dress like I'm in Aruba when I'm actually in northern Illinois?

A: Quite a bit, unless you're chatting on the phone, in which case it'll save about 10 seconds per mile.

Reindeer Food 2010

Every year, Bree and I create reindeer food.  The recipe changes every year, which is part of the tradition.  Whatever you make, it has to be nutritious (at least to some degree) and delicious so the reindeer cannot resist it!  We make the reindeer food together, and then we scatter it on the lawn on Christmas Eve.  The theory goes that reindeer always stop for good food, and if they're going to stop and eat, Santa will come in and do his job.

This year, we referred to the documented recipe from last year, and then we modified.  It's getting to the point where our family members are shocked at the tasty treats we're giving up in creating the best reindeer food ever!

Here's the 2010 recipe:
   1 crushed candy cane
   2 scoops oats
   3/4 chopped carrot
   2 spoons of sugar
   1 spoon flour
   1 box of Nerds
   1/2 Snickers bar, chopped

Also, new this year, Bree says we have to leave Santa SEVEN cookies.  No wonder the dude is fat.  I'm pretty sure that if we do our job on the reindeer thing, Santa's coming in and doing his thing either way.

The Decree

As the Emperor of Uranus, I doth hereby decree that he who cancels church is grounded for two weeks, during which time he shalt be required to read both of Homer's works on Ulysses.

"Church" shall be defined as any regularly scheduled gathering of the saints, including but not limited to Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.

"Cancels" shall be defined as any decision to not gather at any such regularly scheduled gathering of the saints.

"Grounded" shall include complete loss of television privileges.  If the cancellation occurs outside of the NFL football season, the grounding shall include one week beginning the moment the cancellation is made and one week beginning the Friday before the Super Bowl, unless said week is already scheduled for a grounding, in which case the entire sentence shall be served consecutively with the first week.

"Grounded" shall also include a complete loss of eating privileges, sans communion wafers and water.

"Homer's works on Ulysses" shall be defined as the Iliad and the Odyssey.  First offenders shall read the aforementioned works in their native tongue.  Repeat offenders shall read the aforementioned works in both their native tongue and in the original Greek.

A Typical Phone Call

"Mailboxes.  This is Mike, may I help you?"

"Hi, is Jim in?"

"No, he's not, may I help you with something?"

"Is this Jim?"

"No, this is Mike.  May I help you with something?"

"Is Jim in?"

"No, he's not.  May I help you?"

"I'll try back."  * click *

Great, so when you call back, and Jim still isn't here, we can have this same conversation again.  I'm looking forward to that.

Government-Run

The Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year.  Billion.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/11/12/post-office-loses-billion-year/

These people are efficient.  We should put them in charge of health care.

The Idiot

Alternate title: Learning Disability

Psychologists tell us that people only have two inborn fears.  Babies are born with a fear of falling and a fear of loud noises.  All other fears are learned.

I must have some kind of learning disability, or maybe I'm some kind of idiot, but I haven't gotten much further than that.  The rest of you geniuses are a bunch of chickens.

Hey, Mike--Shut Up!

The response I have received from my last blog has been pretty clear: moms hate me.  Maybe they're justified in that.  This blog is for the moms I peeved last time.

I don't have the first clue where you're coming from.

I'm told that moms just need to be able to vent about their kids.  I don't get that.  I don't get to spend enough time with my daughter that I ever have the opportunity to get frustrated with her.  I get no joy out of putting her to bed or sending her to Sunday School or anything else because I just love spending time with her.

Maybe my daughter is just a great child.  (I don't call her a "kid" if I can help it.  A kid is a baby goat.)  Of all the horror stories I hear about children misbehaving, I have no stories to add to the discussion.  I can't remember my daughter ever writing on the walls, flushing foreign objects down the toilet, or microwaving something that shouldn't be microwaved.  I have no horror stories.  I have stories of her being funny or clever, but nothing bad.  I would be hard-pressed to think of five times in her entire life that I thought she was being incredibly naughty.  I think she's a fantastic child.

Perhaps I over-emphasize the role of a parent in the life of a child.  I attribute my daughter's qualities--good and bad (though there's precious little in that second category)--to God, D.N.A, and parenting.  We aren't the best parents in the world.  We're trying really hard, though--and we disagree quite a bit.  But even in the disagreements with her mother, I still recognize my own role--that's the woman I chose to raise my child.  I really don't have anyone else to blame for anything.

Alternatively, my views may be distorted because my daughter is the apple of my eye.  Her mom broke my heart.  There was a lot of pain in that--but I would go through that pain a thousand times again for my daughter.  She's worth it.  She's a great blessing.  I feel sadness and anger when other people act like their children are some kind of curse in their lives.  Don't you know how lucky you are?  Don't you know how precious that gift is that you're complaining about?

If you want to compare stories about how rough you have it as a parent, I can promise you that you cannot outdo the stories my parents have.  My earliest memory is of sneaking up behind my brother and whacking him on the head with a garden hoe.  I threw wood out a (closed) window in the middle of the winter.  I chased my brother with knives.  I slammed a kid's head into a brick wall in elementary school.  Your kids write on the walls?  I did that, too--right next to the holes I put in them.  A friend and I pushed my dad's car across a parking lot--while it was in park.  I knocked my mom's teeth out with a golf club.  Your stories are tiny and silly and cliché compared to the crap I put my parents through.  Still, I never heard my parents talk as if my existence was some kind of burden in their life.  I don't understand why you need to vent about your kids.  Did they knock your teeth out!?

I believe in the power of words.  My words have hurt people--that's obvious from the response I've gotten on that last entry.  I am sorry for hurting you.  Still, who am I to you?  I'm no one.  I'm just some jerk on the Internet, someone of zero consequence in your life--yet my words have hurt you.  Consider the effect your words are having on your children.

Perhaps the most offensive thing I said was that it's your fault.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.  It doesn't matter.  The fact is, you love your kids--so you're going to make it your fault, whether it is or not.  If you think the ship has gone off course, you're going to do everything you can to correct course, whether it's your fault or not.  Isn't that what God did for us?  Sin was our fault, but he took it upon himself to fix it.  That's just how love is.

I really don't know where you're coming from.  I do know that in your world, I'm a total failure.  We can compare checking account balances, cars, houses, or spouses if you want confirmation of that.  I love being a parent, though.  I might have gotten something right somewhere in my life.