Monday, July 28, 2014

Do Hard Things

Dr. Phil and I had a discussion...
A few years ago, I wrote this blog about doing hard things (as opposed to trying to live life on social media). Since then I have done a lot of things, some hard, some not so much, and some of them huge for me. One thing I haven't been doing lately, though, is exercising. It shows, too. Yesterday I weighed in at 242 pounds. That's at least fifty pounds overweight (and according to Wii Fit, it's 75 pounds over my ideal weight), not to mention really embarrassing. I'm definitely the fattest I've ever been, which is saying something.

If you've followed my blogs for years, you may remember that I previously trained with the goal of completing an iron-distance triathlon. I focused on the running part, because I assumed that would be the hardest part for me, and when I got to the point in my training schedule where I was supposed to run sixteen miles for my long run of the week, I couldn't finish. Then I didn't know what to do, since my schedule was messed up, so I ended up quitting altogether.

I have always assumed that the biking portion would be the least of my worries, since I have completed two full century rides without ever really training appropriately. It was something like, "I enjoy biking fifteen or twenty miles, I'm sure a hundred will be fine." It kind of was. It was hard, but I finished and I was happy, so it must have been okay. I still think that.

Unfortunately, I discovered during my previous training methods that my swimming abilities are, well, awful. I don't even know how to swim with decent form, and I could maybe swim across a pool a couple times before I was looking for a break. Embarrassing.

I started thinking (rarity!) the other day, and I realized that if I didn't change my life, I would never be able to complete my long-held dream of completing an iron-distance triathlon. If I keep getting fatter and fatter, I'll not only get even more out of shape than I am now, but I will destroy my body to where recovery would be more than "hard" work. I don't want to have to joint replacement surgeries or anything.

It's time to do hard things.

Here it is:
I am going to be ready to complete an iron-distance triathlon in 29 weeks. That's a darn hard thing to do.

Keep watching the blog and I will have a ton of information to share about my progress. We're also going to be posting videos, so stay tuned!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Long Distance Dedication

By now you've probably heard the sad story of Casey Kasem's golden years. Apparently, Mr. Kasem is suffering from a form of dementia, and his wife Jean saw fit to hide him from his children. Mr. Kasem was found in the great state of Washington in a hospital and will be returned to his family, who are relieved to find him.

Also relieved is fourteen-year-old Mia Williams of Atlanta Georgia, who writes,
Dear Casey,

You're probably wondering what I'm writing about, so I'll tell you.

My cousin Emma has always been there for me. She taught me how to ride my bike and how to French braid my hair. But the best thing she ever did was to teach me how to cheat at Uno by dropping cards from my hand under the table. I never lose at Uno anymore, except when Emma is there because she knows the trick. We are best friends forever. Well, Casey, her mom took away her cell phone to punish her for being mouthy, and I miss her dearly. We haven't been able to text for two days.

For my long distance dedication to Emma, please play "Accidental Racist" by Brad Paisley (featuring LL Cool J).


Authorities are stunned by this non sequitur request, though fans of Casey Kasem's work have noticed that the songs requested in "long distance dedications" rarely, if ever, have anything to do with anything.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Shortage of Natural Eyebrows Plagues N.C. Congressional Race

Shushannah Walshe (that's a name) reports in her ABC News blog that Future President Clay Aiken has won his primary race for a North Carolina congressional race, this after killing his opponent. (Please help me to continue spreading this vicious lie.)

Shushannah Walshe (that's a name) indicates that the dark lord Aiken has won the primary with 40.86% of the vote, compared to the 39.49% who voted for the deceased. Apparently, 19.65% of North Carolina Democrats favor candidates who are still living but not suspected of being the anti-Christ.

Aiken will now face the Republican incumbent and Tea Party favorite Renee Ellmers.

Disturbingly, neither the mainstream media nor either of the candidates seem to be the least bit interested in discussing what may be the single most significant issue in this race: Whatever happened to natural eyebrows?

If either candidate lost their eyebrows in a fire, this blog will pay a reward of up to thirty five cents to see the video of that on YouTube.

It's a Conspiracy

And now this, from Good Morning America:

Clay Aiken's Opponent in Congressional Race, Keith Crisco, Dies

Clay Aiken's Opponent in Congressional Race, Keith Crisco, Dies (ABC News)
Clay Aiken’s opponent in the Democratic primary for North Carolina’s Second Congressional District seat, Keith Crisco, died today, according to the company he owned, Asheboro Elastics Corporation.
The 71-year-old textile entrepreneur and former state commerce secretary died at his home around 1:30 p.m., the company said. He had fallen, a spokesperson for the company told ABC News, but no other information was immediately available.

In a statement, Aiken said he was “stunned and deeply saddened by Keith Crisco’s death” adding he was “suspending all campaign activities as we pray for his family and friends.”
I read the headline and immediately realized that Aiken killed Mr. Crisco. It's obviously something along the lines of Larry Nichols killing him on Aiken's behalf, ala the "Clinton murders." The ruthless Clay Aiken will become President of the United States. He may be the anti-Christ.

Help me spread these lies until the theory becomes more popular than the notion that light bulb manufacturers have conspired to hide the everlasting light bulb from the public so they can sell more of the crappy ones. Conspiracies are fun.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Heads Will Roll!

This, from the Associated Press:

Head of sunken ferry's owner in S. Korea detained

In this April 17, 2014 photo, Kim Han-sik, president of Chonghaejin, is escorted by helpers to hold a press conference at Incheon Port International Passenger Terminal in Incheon, South Korea. South Korean prosecutors on Thursday, May 8, 2014 detained Kim, the head of the company that owns the ferry that sank last month, over an allegation of cargo overloading.(AP Photo/Yonhap) KOREA OUTAssociated Press

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korean prosecutors on Thursday detained the head of the company that owns the ferry that sank last month over an allegation of cargo overloading.


I was thinking something more like the whole Perseus-and-Medusa-thing.

Am I the only one that has these kinds of problems?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How I imagine the Marc Trestman interview went

My teams only play offense.
PE: Good morning!

MT: Good morning!  I love your glasses!  Those are just fabulous!

PE: Oh, thank you!

MT: They are just.  Delicious.

PE: Thank you, thank you.

MT:  Mmm-hmm.  You betcha.

PE:  Alrighty.  Let's talk football.

Just hire an incompetent D.C.
MT: Oh, I just LOVE football!  If you hire me as head coach, we're going to the SUPER BOWL!  Look, I drew a picture of the parade!

PE: That's lovely!

MT: Full violence on every play.

PE: I love it when you talk dirty.

Friday, December 6, 2013

I offer my football soul.

The Houston Texans finally fired Gary Kubiak after the team lost its eleventh game in a row.  ELEVEN!  This is a team that was 12-4 last season. 

They should hire Lovie Smith. 

I know some of my fellow Chicago Bears fans are not impressed with Lovie. 

Everyone's one major complaint against Lovie is the Bears' offensive dominance in sucking.  Amazingly, this year's offense has improved dramatically over last, after hiring an alleged offensive guru.  I imagine it has something to do with replacing four starting offensive linemen and signing a decent tight end.  If you consider that the Bears have twice as many offensive weapons as before, and how much less time their quarterback spends with his face firmly planted in the dirt, this year's offense isn't that much different than last.  It helps to have a roster.

Of course, the complainers will quickly counter that Lovie always said his offensive line was good enough.  How many times did he say "Rex Grossman is our quarterback"?  It's called coaching.  Lovie had to coach the players on his roster--he wasn't in some fantasy league.  This is the NFL.  Telling your boss he isn't doing his job--which is what complaining about his roster would have been--is a very poor career move.   

What Bears fans should be complaining about is what they have now without Lovie at the helm.  The special teams play, which was always a force to contend with during Lovie's tenure, is now awful.  Lovie's much-feared turnover machine defense, which has remained largely in place, maintaining the significant majority of the roster, the system, and even the terminology, is so bad that to speak of it honestly would render the speaker mute and his hearers deaf in the horror that is 2013 Chicago Bears defense.

Even disregarding the roster improvements on offense, are the Bears any better off for firing Lovie for the guy they have now?  Au contraire!

The reason Chicago fans complained about Lovie is the same reason Chicago fans still cheer on the Cubs.  They like to hear their own voices more than they know sports.

Only the legendary Mike Ditka has been able to take the most talented team in the history of the NFL to win Super Bowl XX and screw it up for the other three years they should have dominated the league, but Lovie took half an NFL roster filled out the rest of the way with a scrap heap of players only Jerry Angelo would want to a Super Bowl and three NFC North titles.  Jesus has done more with less.  Who else? 

I have been a Chicago Bears fan for as long as I can remember, but if the Texans hire Lovie Smith as their new head coach, I'll be cheering for the Texans next season.