Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Zen of Beard Trimming

I haven't blogged in forever, but when I was given the chance to receive an advance copy of The Zen of Beard Trimming: Stories of Punk Rock, Poverty, and the Search for Peace by C.J. Campbell so that I could review it, I  had to take the opportunity and dig out my login information. :)

In this brutally honest "five-year memoir," Campbell tells a story of struggle. Some of it I could not relate to, such as struggling with the realities of living with cerebral palsy, growing up without having a father around, and fighting anorexia. Much of it, however, is truly universal: fear of failure, the desire to be loved, and, simply, life as a struggle. However, if you're looking for a heart-warming tale, I'm not sure this is it. Much of Campbell's story is not overcoming. It's surviving. Coping. Failing. Accepting. Moving on. Understanding.

Where it falls short of heart-warming, it certainly leaves the reader with a renewed sense of gratitude and sensitivity to others. This story is about the struggle for things that we all desperately, desperately want--the things that most of us take for granted once we have them. And through three-quarters of the book I kept hoping Campbell would get them. But, as far as I can tell, he doesn't. If you totally lack in empathy, you might enjoy Campbell's story as a comedy of errors. The right movie director could pull it off. I am neither (completely) lacking in empathy, nor the right movie director.

I feel like Campbell has told me half the story--the middle half. He left out some of the beginning, which might just be good editing on his part. However, I really wanted the end, the part where Campbell doesn't have to struggle. Perhaps the end of struggle never happens for Campbell, and the fact that the reader has to accept that is what makes this book compelling and possibly devastating.

Buy it here.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I Love You

I love you like a fat man loves Red Robin.

Wait, what? You know what I mean. I mean, I love you like Michael Jordan loves destroying his competition.



Except that was like twenty years ago. My love for you doesn't end. I love you like Brian Williams loves a good story.


I don't mean that I'm going to be suspended for six months! My love for you won't stop, no matter what the executives at NBC say. What I'm trying to say is that I love you like Andy loves making ladies go first.



Don't take that wrong. I'm not trying to deny it. Honestly, I love you like Gordito loves adventure.


Except not fiction! My love for you is real! I love you like this girl loves having a microphone.


Hallmark hasn't offered me that job yet. I don't know why.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Shortage of Natural Eyebrows Plagues N.C. Congressional Race

Shushannah Walshe (that's a name) reports in her ABC News blog that Future President Clay Aiken has won his primary race for a North Carolina congressional race, this after killing his opponent. (Please help me to continue spreading this vicious lie.)

Shushannah Walshe (that's a name) indicates that the dark lord Aiken has won the primary with 40.86% of the vote, compared to the 39.49% who voted for the deceased. Apparently, 19.65% of North Carolina Democrats favor candidates who are still living but not suspected of being the anti-Christ.

Aiken will now face the Republican incumbent and Tea Party favorite Renee Ellmers.



Disturbingly, neither the mainstream media nor either of the candidates seem to be the least bit interested in discussing what may be the single most significant issue in this race: Whatever happened to natural eyebrows?

If either candidate lost their eyebrows in a fire, this blog will pay a reward of up to thirty five cents to see the video of that on YouTube.

It's a Conspiracy

And now this, from Good Morning America:

Clay Aiken's Opponent in Congressional Race, Keith Crisco, Dies

Clay Aiken's Opponent in Congressional Race, Keith Crisco, Dies (ABC News)
Clay Aiken’s opponent in the Democratic primary for North Carolina’s Second Congressional District seat, Keith Crisco, died today, according to the company he owned, Asheboro Elastics Corporation.
The 71-year-old textile entrepreneur and former state commerce secretary died at his home around 1:30 p.m., the company said. He had fallen, a spokesperson for the company told ABC News, but no other information was immediately available.

In a statement, Aiken said he was “stunned and deeply saddened by Keith Crisco’s death” adding he was “suspending all campaign activities as we pray for his family and friends.”
I read the headline and immediately realized that Aiken killed Mr. Crisco. It's obviously something along the lines of Larry Nichols killing him on Aiken's behalf, ala the "Clinton murders." The ruthless Clay Aiken will become President of the United States. He may be the anti-Christ.

Help me spread these lies until the theory becomes more popular than the notion that light bulb manufacturers have conspired to hide the everlasting light bulb from the public so they can sell more of the crappy ones. Conspiracies are fun.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Heads Will Roll!

This, from the Associated Press:

Head of sunken ferry's owner in S. Korea detained


In this April 17, 2014 photo, Kim Han-sik, president of Chonghaejin, is escorted by helpers to hold a press conference at Incheon Port International Passenger Terminal in Incheon, South Korea. South Korean prosecutors on Thursday, May 8, 2014 detained Kim, the head of the company that owns the ferry that sank last month, over an allegation of cargo overloading.(AP Photo/Yonhap) KOREA OUTAssociated Press

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korean prosecutors on Thursday detained the head of the company that owns the ferry that sank last month over an allegation of cargo overloading.

...

I was thinking something more like the whole Perseus-and-Medusa-thing.


Am I the only one that has these kinds of problems?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How I imagine the Marc Trestman interview went

My teams only play offense.
PE: Good morning!

MT: Good morning!  I love your glasses!  Those are just fabulous!

PE: Oh, thank you!

MT: They are just.  Delicious.

PE: Thank you, thank you.

MT:  Mmm-hmm.  You betcha.

PE:  Alrighty.  Let's talk football.

Just hire an incompetent D.C.
MT: Oh, I just LOVE football!  If you hire me as head coach, we're going to the SUPER BOWL!  Look, I drew a picture of the parade!

PE: That's lovely!

MT: Full violence on every play.

PE: I love it when you talk dirty.