Thursday, January 2, 2014

It's 2014! So What?

Happy New Year!

(Okay, so I'm a day late and a dollar short.  What's new?)

In general, I think New Year's Day is one of those holidays that really doesn't mean anything (but it's an excuse to sell champagne and crap, so it'll never go away).  However, it does make for a good time to set a start date for stuff you've been procrastinating on.  Usually I don't do anything of the sort, but for whatever reason I am this year.  Here's what's on tap for 2014:


Imagine this: I'm going to try to write some blogs.  You know, like on a regular basis or something like that. I haven't blogged with much regularity or consistency in, umm, years probably, but I think it's good for me so I'm going to try to do more of it.

Frugal '14

My wife and I have decided to try really hard to be frugal this year so we can get some debts paid down and start working on that adoption fund.  I'll try to post ideas that you might be able to use if you want to participate in #Frugal14.  If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear it!  If you're interested in submitting a guest blog, I'm game for that, too.  Hit me up.

Becoming Half the Man I Used to Be

Well, maybe not half, but I got all lazy and now I'm fat and out of shape.  That has to be fixed.  Stat.  I'm working on a scheme to lose weight by playing Super Mario Bros. U.  Yesterday I collected all the "Star Coins" in Acorn Plains.  I lost 1.3 pounds.

Thump Some Bibles

I'll be studying my Bible more.  You might even get some of my, uhh, special insights like this one here.

What are your aims for the new year?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How I imagine the Marc Trestman interview went

My teams only play offense.
PE: Good morning!

MT: Good morning!  I love your glasses!  Those are just fabulous!

PE: Oh, thank you!

MT: They are just.  Delicious.

PE: Thank you, thank you.

MT:  Mmm-hmm.  You betcha.

PE:  Alrighty.  Let's talk football.

Just hire an incompetent D.C.
MT: Oh, I just LOVE football!  If you hire me as head coach, we're going to the SUPER BOWL!  Look, I drew a picture of the parade!

PE: That's lovely!

MT: Full violence on every play.

PE: I love it when you talk dirty.

Friday, December 6, 2013

I offer my football soul.

The Houston Texans finally fired Gary Kubiak after the team lost its eleventh game in a row.  ELEVEN!  This is a team that was 12-4 last season. 

They should hire Lovie Smith. 

I know some of my fellow Chicago Bears fans are not impressed with Lovie. 

Everyone's one major complaint against Lovie is the Bears' offensive dominance in sucking.  Amazingly, this year's offense has improved dramatically over last, after hiring an alleged offensive guru.  I imagine it has something to do with replacing four starting offensive linemen and signing a decent tight end.  If you consider that the Bears have twice as many offensive weapons as before, and how much less time their quarterback spends with his face firmly planted in the dirt, this year's offense isn't that much different than last.  It helps to have a roster.

Of course, the complainers will quickly counter that Lovie always said his offensive line was good enough.  How many times did he say "Rex Grossman is our quarterback"?  It's called coaching.  Lovie had to coach the players on his roster--he wasn't in some fantasy league.  This is the NFL.  Telling your boss he isn't doing his job--which is what complaining about his roster would have been--is a very poor career move.   

What Bears fans should be complaining about is what they have now without Lovie at the helm.  The special teams play, which was always a force to contend with during Lovie's tenure, is now awful.  Lovie's much-feared turnover machine defense, which has remained largely in place, maintaining the significant majority of the roster, the system, and even the terminology, is so bad that to speak of it honestly would render the speaker mute and his hearers deaf in the horror that is 2013 Chicago Bears defense.

Even disregarding the roster improvements on offense, are the Bears any better off for firing Lovie for the guy they have now?  Au contraire!

The reason Chicago fans complained about Lovie is the same reason Chicago fans still cheer on the Cubs.  They like to hear their own voices more than they know sports.

Only the legendary Mike Ditka has been able to take the most talented team in the history of the NFL to win Super Bowl XX and screw it up for the other three years they should have dominated the league, but Lovie took half an NFL roster filled out the rest of the way with a scrap heap of players only Jerry Angelo would want to a Super Bowl and three NFC North titles.  Jesus has done more with less.  Who else? 

I have been a Chicago Bears fan for as long as I can remember, but if the Texans hire Lovie Smith as their new head coach, I'll be cheering for the Texans next season.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Top 9 Things Chicago Bears' GM Phil Emery Should Do To Save His Career

9. Take Virginia McCaskey out to dinner.
8. Hire a real defensive coordinator.
7. Take Virginia McCaskey some flowers.
6. Hire a real special teams coordinator.
5. Take Virginia McCaskey some chocolates.
4. Watch more college football.
3. Start figuring out how to make it look like his hand-picked coach's fault.
2. Prepare the draft board.

And the number one thing Chicago Bears' GM Phil Emery Should Do To Save His Career

1. Massage Virginia McCaskey's bunions.

Oh, let's be realistic.  The Bears could lose the rest of the way out and they'd still keep head coach Marc Trestman for five years and Emery until the end of the decade.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good boy all year.  (V says that's not true.)

This year for Christmas I would very much like to receive a female black lab puppy.  (V says no.)

Thank you!  Merry Christmas!



Thursday, August 22, 2013


Have you ever heard some bit of news about some movie that is going to be made and think, "Oh, no, that's going to be the worst movie ever"?

 Yes? I guess you heard that Ben Affleck is going to be Batman in a movie featuring both Batman and Superman, too.

I'm not much of a superhero movie person to begin with. Superman is the least appealing. How can there be any tension when he's SUPERMAN? You know he's going to win. But, I enjoyed the Christian Bale Batman movies, especially the good one with the Joker in it. (I did hate "Bane" though. Lamest. Character. Ever.) But, Ben Affleck can ruin anything.

In the words of one Twitter user, "Replacing Christian Bale with Ben Affleck as the new Batman is eating a steak and then deciding to wash it down with a glass of urine."

 I hope I never ever see this Batman/Superman movie.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Amish

"The world needs the audacity of a people who plow the word 'Love' into their fields and refuse to wear buttons. When the Amish are no more, then the world will come to an end."
- Kyle De Wolf, The Uncommon Criminal