If I've Said It Once...

If I've said it once, I've said it, well, at least twice: Global Warming is the Shiznit. I don't even know what that means. All I know is that I had the top down today. Yay!

It's been a long almost three months. Die, winter! Die!

Where's My DNA (map)?

DNA Project: FAIL

It turns out Google maps will only plot two hundred locations at a time. So, now that I have two hundred two locations to plot, Google plots the first two hundred first, and then you can click for more at the bottom and get the other two.

Oh, Google, I expect more from you. Google Maps to track my DNA: FAIL.

I'll probably keep tracking for a while anyway. We'll see.

Unbuckle, America!

Alright, I've had enough. I finally hit that point. I finally had enough today when I had to drive over to the post office from work and I decided I'd better put on my seat belt.

Mind you, the post office is literally two thousand feet away from my work. (For those of you who didn't excel in math and science, that's 0.378 miles. For those of you who lack the ability to conceptualize raw data, that's not far.) I would literally run over there, but that would take longer and I don't have the time for that. Also, it's ten degrees out. Mind you, the majority of the trip is through parking lots, and the rest is on a little back road nobody uses and nobody drives faster than thirty miles an hour. Mind you, I normally put on my seat belt out of habit.

I didn't think I should put on my seat belt because I don't want to get hurt. (Chances of getting hurt are slim anyway.) I didn't think I should put on my seat belt because I didn't want to break the habit. (Mindless habits aren't great ideas anyway.) No, I thought I should put on my seat belt because it's the law and I didn't want to get a ticket.

What business is it of the government's if I wear my seat belt? If I get in a wreck and fly through the windshield, it's my face. It's my life. Let me live it the way I want. I can't believe that it's any concern of the government whether or not I choose to strap myself to the wreckage.

Dear Uncle Sam,

I think I speak on behalf of all citizens with fully functional brains when I say this. Get out of my life.

Sincerely,
Mike

The government should fear its citizens more than the citizens fear their government. Or is this not America anymore?

The Mike Lyons Show does not advocate breaking the law. Yes it does. No it doesn't! But, come on, why not take some of the stupid laws off the books?

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under." H.L. Mencken

Understanding Politicians

Okay, so I think I'm starting to figure out politicians. (I hate them.) This quote from FoxNews.com really helped:

But in his rebuttal to the former governor's statement, impeachment prosecutor David Ellis painted Blagojevich as a selfish politician who had become a "stain on the state."

Okay, so, Democrats are not okay with stains if they are on the state but they are okay with them if they are on dresses. Republicans hate all stains. Does that sound right?

Lovely Street

I bet the home values really tanked when they renamed the street...

Defining Success

As a manager, I shouldn't post stuff like this. But, come on, isn't this picture (click on it, dang it) exactly why we all want to climb the corporate ladder? (I'm not sure anybody really wants to be in the corporate world to begin with, but if you're in it, you want to be the guy on top.)

I just watched a video on You Tube (unworthy of a link) documenting the 2009 No Pants Subway Ride. Basically, exactly what it sounds like: a bunch of people not wearing pants on the subway. (They were all decent--at least those shown in the video, that is.) A bunch of footage of people without pants and other people looking at them with odd looks on their faces. Maybe this is just me, but it seems like it would have been more hilarious if one of the people without pants (in January, by the way) would have been making a spectacle of him/herself saying, "What's going on!? Why aren't you freaks wearing pants!?" as if uninvolved.

God Help Us

Am I the only one that is concerned that this doofus is going to be giving the new President advice?

Dear God, I know I'm supposed to love everybody, but politicians aren't really people, are they? Your child, mike

Where's My DNA?

Introducing... the DNA Project.

For some reason, I feel compelled to spread my DNA across the planet. So, my goal is to have my DNA everywhere. That's a lot of places. I'm going to start keeping track of my DNA. Here's what I have so far:


View Larger Map

If you would like me to send you some DNA, please let me know.

Item 3: Too Subtle

It turns out that in my blog, "Five Items," the joke in Item 3 is too subtle. Nobody caught it. So, here's the remedial course.

Carefully study the image below:



See, it says, "No Hard Feelings?" Then I said, "He's old. We get it." Perhaps we should not assume that all Republican candidates for President of the United States who fail will then turn to Viagra commercials like Bob Dole did. Get it? No Hard Feelings. John McCain is old. Get it?

Good gravy.

So Tired...

Good Morning, Sunshine

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that both smoke detectors work...

What a crappy way to wake up. Oh, well. One of the benefits of being homeless: the apathy comes naturally.

Olivet Nazarene Parents of God's precious special needs kids

I noticed a group on Facebook called "Olivet Nazarene Parents of God's precious special needs kids." Apparently, the group is for Olivet alumni who are parents of children who have special needs. I guess maybe that was obvious.

I'll be honest, though. When I saw it, I was thinking more along the lines of "Olivet Nazarene: Parents of God's precious special needs kids." I thought it was making fun of the people who send their kids to Olivet because they don't trust their children to go to college and act responsibly, so they send them to Olivet in hopes that the University will keep their kids in line for four years.

For the record, nobody can keep your kid in line. Also, why would it take you four years? It's just a bachelor's degree.

Five Items

Item 1: The Weather

Dear God,

It's so cold out people are saying things like "freeze your eyeballs" and "freeze your Winnebago off." You know I hate cold, but my car wouldn't even start this morning. This sucks.

Sincerely,
Mike

Item 2: The Web Page

So, you should have noticed the new look to the web page today. What do you think? Leave me a comment. I think it is full of awesomeness.

Item 3: He Lost Already

I wish the media would lay off John McCain. Love him or hate him (it doesn't really matter now), the guy lost. Quit making fun of him. He's old. We get it. (See photo, above.)

Item 4: I Don't Remember How to Drive...

An automatic transmission. I had to borrow my brother's car (see #1 above) and I could barely drive the thing because it's an automatic. (I kept wanting to shift and use my left foot and stuff.) When was the last time you heard someone say they had trouble with an automatic transmission?

Item 5: Divas or Family?

Should I attend roller derby or a family event? These are the questions for the ages.

Fake Thunderstorms & Real Snow

Bree and I went to Schaumburg, Illinois today. I'll admit, it wasn't the best day for driving around with a young child. It snowed all day. The roads weren't too bad, but you still had to slow down. That's what every kid wants--more time in the car seat.

Tangent: I still can't believe the car seat laws. I remember when they added the seat belt law. That bothered me as a kid, because before that I wasn't even sitting in the seat! I usually sat between the front seats in my parents' van. Good times.

The Rainforest Cafe is a fun place, especially for a kid that loves animals. The shorty loved all the fake animals and the real fish. She wasn't too convinced about the fake thunderstorms, though. I can't say I totally understood them, either. I understand that it rains frequently in the rain forest (duh), but they'd have the fake thunderstorm and it would instantaneously go from thundering and dark (with limited lightning) to quiet and light. I didn't imagine it working quite like that.


If you're one of the six people in the nation that still has a job, it sure is a fun time to be a shopper. In our adventures, we found a toy store that was going out of business and did our part to help put them out of their misery. Everything in the store was at least 50% off.


Breezy's been asking for remote-controlled toys for a while, and when you can get a cool one that costs less than a ticket at the theatre (and about a quarter of what it's listed for on Amazon right now), that's a pretty reasonable request. She picked out a red (her favorite color of the moment) Corvette. When we got home and she could actually play with it, she told me that it was even more fun than she expected. Man, she's really good at this "buy me stuff" thing she's got going on.


She also wanted a leaf canopy from IKEA. This is another one that's been on the wish list for a while. Well, she still hasn't gotten one. But, if you'd like to make her wish a reality, drop me a line and I'll give you a mailing address. I may get around to it...someday.


On a completely unrelated note, what is the deal with truck commercials? Every single one of them market themselves as the toughest, smartest, and most innovative truck money can buy. All they have truly convinced me of is that they are all liars. I'm sure that if you're a truck manufacturer, being the toughest, smartest, and most innovative truck would be a great selling point, but hasn't anyone considered taking a different approach? For example, maybe one of them could market their comfort for passionate encounters that can't wait until you get home? Surely one of these trucks are good to own if you're hoping to get some action. Aren't they? (I give you the Ford Alton F-650 XUV - the new king of overcompensation.)


Finally, a shout out to Muhsin Mohammad: Yay for you sucking in the playoffs, as per your usual.

Stockholm Inn

Another great place in Rockford is Stockholm Inn. There's something unfair in the world; I've already eaten there twice this year and they're just now getting a blog about it.
That's the only unfair thing I can think of at the moment, I'm sure.

Bree loves going to Stockholm for Swedish pancakes. I'm not sure that there's a huge difference between their Swedish pancakes and the Sweedish (that's how we spell it) pancakes I make at home, but it's somehow a big deal.

The most recent visit to Stockholm was the first time I've bothered eating something other than pancakes, I think. I had the Swedish meatloaf instead. Yeah, that's way better than the meatloaf I make at home. Okay, to be fair, when it comes to me and my cooking, loaf is a verb.


Reasons to Choose Rockford:

1. Beef-a-Roo
2. Stockholm Inn

Am I missing something?

Baloney

Disclaimer: This post has essentially no original content.

A customer told me the following story:

At lunch one day, one of her children refused to eat his baloney sandwich. (It was eaten by someone else.) Later in the day, when it was time to go somewhere, the child said he was hungry. She told him to go quick and grab something to eat and go.

He was taking too long, however, so she said, "What's taking so long? What are you looking for?"

His reply? "Blow me." (The kid is ten.)

She just explodes. "EXCUSE ME!? Do you even know what that means, or are you just repeating something you heard at school? For your information, that's when a woman does (blah blah blah) to a man..." and she goes about explaining the whole thing to him.

Finally, she stops. The kid looks at her and says, "I said, 'Baloney.'"

Yeah, that's what I would have said, too.

Mitchell is Calling

Thanks to some random picture I tripped across on Facebook, I have another stop to find time for this summer. Mitchell, South Dakota is calling my name.

Mitchell is known for it's plethora of attractions (by South Dakota standards) including:

• Big Bison
• Big Steer
• The Corn Palace
• Pig on the Roof (look on the right hand side of the photo this link takes you to)
• Some doll museum
  

Mitchell is only about a 9 hour drive from where I am now. Sounds like a day trip. ;)

A Quick Trip to Dixon, Illinois

Bree and I made a quick trip to Dixon, Illinois. It turns out that Dixon is a real, honest to God town. I grew up in a little town that was basically a bunch of houses and a gas station. (We also had a grocery store, a bank, and a restaurant.) These people have stores, a bunch of restaurants, choices in banking, a bowling alley and the whole bit. (My hometown still doesn't have a bowling alley!)


I can't really say a lot about Dixon based on this visit, because we didn't really do any Dixon things. We ate at the Burger King (which is pretty much like any Burger King anywhere, I suppose) and spent the rest of the time with friends. But I have to say, I love the drive.

It's just as fast to travel to Dixon via Interstate, but I like Illinois Route 2. You get to (have to?) go through all the little towns and see all the little attractions that make this part of Illinois this part of Illinois. People complain about Route 2--the curves, the fact that if you get stuck behind an idiot you are stuck behind an idiot, the hills, whatever. I love Route 2 with the curves and the hills (and being that idiot?). I mean, these people have actual hills. Also, if you screw up you can deposit yourself directly into the Rock River. You don't see that in Rockford. I like the signs that say "Falling Rock." I can't believe they can't do something about that (other than put up a sign). And, what exactly are you supposed to do if one of them falls? Anyway, it's a beautiful drive.

Also, Dixon is the boyhood home of Ronald Reagan, so that makes it cool. How many Presidents have come from your town? Agree or disagree with Ronald Reagan, but at least you knew he wasn't getting blown by an intern or being overly influenced by his VP. I miss those days.

I'm sure I'll be in Dixon again not too long from now.

A Day in Rockford, Illinois

Bree and I spent some quality time in Rockford today. Some thoughts...

Petland is a nice place to go and make a large, unplanned purchase. They've got some cool pets; everything from the cutest dogs you've ever seen to bunnies to turtles to puffer fish and lionfish. If I had a few hundred dollars I didn't know what to do with, I could easily see myself buying a cool new pet and a bunch of accessories for it on impulse. I'm like that, though. As it is, it's a great place to take a little kid to enjoy little animals that you don't have to take care of.

Tangent: If an animal doesn't come when you call it by name, it's not really a pet. Dogs are the only pets I know of that are actually worth owning, and not even all dogs.

Walmart is a great place to save fifty cents on something you needed to buy and spend an extra five dollars on something you didn't even want before you walked in the store. Marketing genius!

Beef-a-Roo is definitely in the Top Ten Reasons To Choose Rockford. Choose Rockford? For what? To live? To visit? It doesn't even matter. If you are ever in Rockford for any reason, it is well within reason to donate some of your hard-earned money to the pursuit of beef perfection.

One of my favorite moments as a father was the first time I ever saw Bree pick up a big Beef-a-Roo cheeseburger with two hands and go to town.

Sometimes, when I am in a hurry or don't know what to order, I simply ask the nice girl at the counter (Beef-a-Roo only hires nice help), "What's the biggest cheeseburger you have?" and order whatever she says. I think I added bacon last time. The sandwich is fabulous, but I'm not sure I recommend this course of action; you may (as I have) end up experiencing some strange emotions. I usually leave wanting to marry the girl. These people are very good at what they do.

I basically have no need for flowers, plants, or girly gifts, but we also found a reason to visit Pepper Creek. We got a second plant for Bree's room. The people there are always friendly and helpful. I asked for something "hard to kill" and, of course, Bree chose the one that we were informed was the easiest to kill of those that we looked at. All I have to do is keep the thing watered. (Don't hold your breath.)

Back in the day when I had reason to buy more flowers, I remember thinking that if I went there any more frequently, people would think I was having an affair with the cute help that seemed to always be there. That particular girl wasn't there today. I didn't even think of that until just now.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's that special time of year. It's a new year, so people are all excited about their new year's resolutions.

Bree and I were in a store today and I was amazed at the amount of exercise and fitness related items prominently displayed. I thought about a society where merchandisers can rely on us to resolve to try to become more fit at the beginning of the year--and they can count on us to fail and try again next year.

As a bit of a tangent, those of you resolving to make fitness a priority in 2009 should consult the archives of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. If you read it backwards, you can read the chronicles of how an above-average man became an above-average fit man. That man, of course, was me. I rule.

The general trend is clearly that people make and break their new year's resolutions. I've always been fascinated by this. Granted, I don't make a lot of resolutions. I resolved to read through my Bible a few years and was successful each time. That's about it. Other than that, in the name of mocking everybody else's resolutions, I resolve annually "to become as fat and disgusting as humanly possible." I figure if I succeed I can at least feel good about completing my goals, and if I fail nobody is disappointed by that. Anyway, I don't quite get how a person comes to the point of resolving to do something and then completely fails.

"Do or do not. There is no try." Master Yoda

So, for those of you who struggle with this, let me share some deep insights on being successful with your resolutions.

Make your resolutions flexible.
Instead of resolving, "I am going to exercise every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday," resolve to exercise three times a week. Essentially, it's the same, but it gives you the flexibility to succeed. If you have a busy Monday and can't exercise, you can always make up for it.

Resolve towards a goal, not towards a rule.
If you are resolving to exercise, you are doing it to improve your health, lose weight, or otherwise improve your life. So, if you resolve to exercise three times a week and only exercise twice this week, don't worry about it. Work out four times next week. The goal is to improve your life, right? Just remember why you made the resolution.

Don't be a quitter.
Just because things don't go as well as you might have liked, don't give up. If you resolved to work out three times a week, don't quit exercising altogether just because it ends up being two times a week. It's still better than none at all, and it gets you closer to your goal, which is to improve your life.

Be realistic.
Some ridiculous TV commercial says, "I resolve to be younger." That's insane. You don't get younger. You get older, regardless of what you do. Don't be an idiot. Don't resolve to be younger. Resolve to act younger or feel younger or look younger--or all of the above. Your denial cannot change reality. Although, some would argue, that perception is your reality. Whatever.

Resolve to read this blog. Every single entry. It's going to be good this year--I promise.